i'm a slave to the awesome power of truffles

i woke up this morning at 4 am and could not get back to sleep. my stomach felt all queasy and upset, almost like when i drink too many jack and gingers. but for once in my life i could not blame my suffering on jack daniels. this time i had no one to blame but the lovely folks at plan b and their ingenious combination of french fries + truffle oil.
for those of you who have never experienced truffles or truffle oil, let me tell you, you are missing out in a big way. i would even go so far as to say that you're life can't possibly be complete until you eat a truffle (or at least something truffled). truffles taste rich, earthy and almost garlicky, and when combined with the basic, comforting potatoey goodness of french fries, the flavor becomes addictive.
i first had the truffle fries at plan b on a wednesday. i returned that friday for more. then a week later i got take out, which was the beggining of a plan b extravaganza that lasted all of this weekend. i'm not even kidding you. friday, saturday and last night as well, when my body finally gave out and protested my newly formed habit.
i'm detoxing now. lots of green tea and brown rice. but i'm not even gonna lie to you and say that it's easy. i am constantly being tempted by visions of not only their truffle fries, but also their tater tots (which taste like mcdonald's hash browns, in a good way), their parmesan fries, and their burgers. oh, lordy, their burgers. that's another addiction in and of itself.
also, their list of alcoholic beverages is freaking phenomenal, mainly because it focuses on dark liquors, like whiskey and bourbon, rather than prissy flavored vodka martinis. they have shit like mint juleps, and sidecars, and also, this ourtageous drink that combines galliano with cream to make a surprisingly accurate imitation of a root beer float.
since it's obvious that i'm not ready to completely kick my plan b habit, i'm going to try to limit my consumtion to once a week only, in the hopes that my digestive system will forgive me that small indulgence. in the meantime, i'll be sleeping soundly, dreaming of truffle fries all night long.

love always

celebrity sightings in assfuck, CT

(just so you know, i've been dying to post this entry for a week now)

okay, so, last weekend my besty, heater shows up at my house with this crazed look in her eyes

"we must go out and drink alcohol now please!"

this is a fairly common occurence druing the winter months in CT. you go stir crazy. it's too cold to leave the house so you stay inside for a few weeks and then all of a sudden something snaps in you and you stop giving a shit how cold it is, because you just have to get out there in the world and do something, which in CT during the winter, means drinking alcohol, because there's nothing else to do. i'm not even kidding you. it's like a bad horror movie.

so of course i agree to go out with heater, partly cause i love the bitch, and partly cause i can tell i'm on the verge of cabin fever myself. so we decide to do the unthinkable, something neither of us has done in years, something so desperately dangerous that to do so under normal circumstances would be foolish. we go to a keg party. in northford.

don't ask me where the fuck northford is. don't ask heater either, even though she drove us there. as far as i could tell we just ended up in front of this dude's house with heater's surrogate cousin nicky bristol.

the guy whose party this is, he's old. also, he's rich and so full of shit and coke that it's literally painful to listen to him speak. all he says is, "listen, listen, ok right, listen, this one time, listen, listen, ok, listen." and after about ten minutes of this we're like "WE'RE LISTENING! FUCKING SAY SOMETHING BESIDES 'LISTEN'!" so heater and i fake like we have to pee and run as far away from this guy as possible, which is when i lay eyes on him.

my dream boy.

i mean, literally, he is my dream boy because i dream about him every night.

and during the day, i daydream about him.

in short, he is the love of my life

EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!

yes, i know it's hard to believe that edward would be at a keg party, but i swear to you it was him. i could tell by his dreamy eyes and his bouffant hair-do. all i could think is i have to talk to him. so i fixed him with my infamous come-hither stare and of course, he came hither (they always do).

at first the conversation seemed to confirm my theory that he was in fact, edward cullen. he told me that he's a male nurse (edward would totally be a male nurse if he wasn't too busy stalking inncoent teenage girls) and that he played the piano. i was like omg! i must be dreaming! but then i asked him why he became a male nurse, and he said "well, i used to be a model. i mean, obviously right? look at me, i'm gorgeous. but then i decided that helping people is totally more important than being famous." and that's when i realized that he wasn't edward cullen. he was, in fact, a much bigger and better celebrity, the one and only derek zoolander. only he was disguised as edward cullen.



i know it, right? can you believe my luck?
as edlander is regalling me with semi-retarded, egotistical tales of his modeling days, heater jumps in and, being the lovably oberbearing bitch that she is, asks the question that's been on everyone's mind since edlander first proclaimed (rather loudly, i might add) that he was a male nurse.
"dude, are you gay?"
and at that point, my dream boy blurted out the most fantastical series of words i have ever heard spoken by antoher human.
"no, that would be a waste of my HUGE DICK" (yes, he really did say that)
over the course of the night he said many memorable things, such as
"what is up with you walking away from me to go to the bathroom. i've never hit on a girl and had her not be totally psyched about it. i have way too much pride to go chasing you around this party all night"
and also, when a drunkenly chivalrous nicky bristol decided to call him on the fact that he was being a self-absorbed waste of oxygen,
"why does this always happen to me. it must be because i'm so good looking"
at that point i took pity on the poor sould and gave him my phone number as like, a consolation prize for being the worlds biggest douchebag. also, because he sucks so bad it's funny, and i really wouldn't mind being seen in public with him. alas, he never called me. i'm crossing my fingers that i will run into him again, preferably when i'm drunk enough to not take him seriously, but until then i guess i'll just have to settle for getting hit on by normal boys.

love always

i feel justified in my risque fashion choices

i just wanted to tell everyone that apparently, lace tights are totally in this week. i have noticed that the models on all my fave vintage sites (my mosted trusted source of fashionable inspiration) are sporting them. this makes me super-psyched because i actually own a pair of lace tights that are so ridiculously hot that jamie couldn't handle it and banned me from ever wearing them to work again.

love always

why must YOU cry? i mean really, stop it....

i've been in kind of a rut lately. nothing too serious (although, i promise you, at times, it feels serious). just your typical quarter-life crisis, i-feel-like-i-sold-my-soul-because-i-work-in-a-semi-coprporate environment type shit. i've asked countless people about how i should go about fixing this, and everyone has answered in a typical fashion.


find a hobby.


the thing is, i have plenty of hobbies. i write. i collect vintage. i read with obsessive fervor, but these are all solitary things to do, and what i'm craving more than anything is a feeling of connectedness, of teamwork. so, i began scanning craigslist looking for a group creative endeavor. anyone who has ever read craigslist in connecticut knows that the majority of posts basically say "i'm looking for a teenage model to come to house so i can date-rape her" and for quite some time my search was fruitless.


then, i saw the ad for gold fangs (yeah, for real)


this guy had posted numerous times before searching for actors and actresses for a short film in my area. i had never payed attention for whatever reason, but the idea of gold fucking fangs was too much for me to ignore. to be honest, the fantasy going on in my head was somewhere between the never-ending story and interview with the vampire (because the twilight vamps don't have fangs).


so i sent out an e-mail, expecting to get a response from some dorky film student about the sci-fi fantasy flick he was creating. i figured that at the very least, i might be able to meet some hot nerdy boys whose virginty i could steal, but no, oh no, my life does not work that way.


instead i received an e-mail from reh dogg, who according to an article in our local newspaper, won some award for the worst you-tube video of the year. i can only imagine the fierce competition he was facing for that coveted title. after watching it though, i guarantee you, this man deserved it. (if you are in need of some serious lulz, go check it out, it's called "why must i cry)


then, reh dogg follows up with an e-mail inviting me to view some of his work, including the gold fangs movie which i was so damn psyched about. seriously people, words could not do it justice.

at a certain point i just had to accept that god is playing a cruel joke on me, but it's a good joke, and i have no choice but to keep laughing.

love always

a moment of silence please

i feel that it's absolutely neccesary for me to pay my respects to the linguine bolognese at amici's. i order it every fucking time i go out to dinner there. the insane thing about it is that it tastes so good that i can't stop eating it, no matter how full i am. consequently, i always end up shitting my brains out the next day.
but, oh man, it is sooo worth it.

love always

ignorance is bliss

"Pop culture is art. It doesn't make you cool to hate pop culture, so i embraced it."
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. finally, someone in this world understands how i feel.
for real, i am getting like, sooo sick of all these artsy folk who think they're sooo smart raining on my parade of guilty pleasures.
and really, if all my guilty pleasures did get together and have a parade, then leading it, on a big, sparkly float, in bondage gear, would be lady gaga. please don't judge me y'all, i have an incurable disease that mkes me addicted to female pop-stars who produce music for an audience of 99.9 percent gay dudes (a la madonna). also, her album the fame reminds of what it feels like to all of a sudden realize that you're young and attractive before real life catches up with you and you have to like, put your drink down and go do work or something.
alas, my partying days are over, but it's comforting to know that if i ever do miss them all i have to do is bump some lady gaga on the way to my accounts and pretend that i'll never grow up.

love always

giving thanks

the idea of thanksgiving is a little crazy to me. it's like, let's set aside one day out of every year to think about what we're thankful for so that on the other 364 days we can continue whining and complaining and not feel guilty about it. the idea of giving thanks seems kind of too basic to me for there to be a holiday in honor of it. in my world every day is thanksgiving.
there is however, one thanksgiving tradition that i am sooo down with, and that would be the eating. every year i get good and drunkie on the eve of giving thanks because it's not the same without a hangover. i mean, all that butter/gravy/stuffing can be too intense if you're not really craving something good and fatty to soak up an excess of alcohol. plus, when the tryptophan in the turkey mixes with your leftover drunk it's like the nicest, most comfy-cozy laid back feeling you will get all year.
now that is something to be truly thankful for.

love always

check it out, i'm like a hotter version of roger ebert

Is it just me, or are the harry potter movies getting harder to watch lately because dan radcliffe is turning into such a dreamboat? i saw the preview for half-blood prince last night and all i could think was "damn, would it be kinda sick for a twenty-four year old chick to bang an eighteen year old boy?" The one other thing that stood out for me, aside from potter's extreme fuckability is the fact that the guy who plays slughorn is the same guy who played zidler in moulin rouge, which is exciting to me because it feels like two things i really love (harry potter + moulin rouge) got together and made a baby or something.

okay, speaking of moulin rouge, can anyone guess what movie i'm dying to see even more than half-blood prince? Yup, that would be australia, the other movie that's directed by baz luhrman and stars nicole kidman. all i have to say is, it's about time baz! i've been waiting for you to put out a new movie since i was sixteen! i'm not even exagerating.

also, i finally saw twilight and can someone please explain to me why robert pattinson sounds like a greaser throughout the whole movie. hello, edward, this is twilight not the outsiders. even better, someone please explain to me why i find this kind of charming...

love always

aww, poor baby kanye needs a hug

dear mr. west,
have you been reading my diary to find out that my entire life's purpose is to watch cocky, arrogant motherfuckers (such as yourself) get their hearts broken and turn into whiny, little bitches, because seriously, your new album just gave me a hard on.
i should have known that you were headed to emoville as soon as you remixed fallout boy, but i never would have imagined you'd be so damn good at it.
i kind of secretly hope that since so many boys seem to idolize you so much maybe they'll follow your example and actually let themselves feel some feelings for once.
congratulations on finally putting out an album that you actually deserve to be so fucking pleased with yourself over, and by the way, if you need some assistance (wink, wink) getting over all the nasty things that bad woman did to you, feel free to hit me up.

love always

twilight is the new danielle steele

someone find me a vampire boyfriend, like, immediately. i'm attempting to read twilight and it's driving me fucking insane.
i cannot even wait for the movie to come out, especially because the boy who plays edward is an uber-hottie. i will probably have to bring a mini vibrator to the movie theater though, so i don't lose my mind for real.
or maybe i'll just bring a hot date instead....

love always

it's 8 o'clock on friday and i'm already hungover

sometime around one this afternoon, i came to a very important and wholly unexpected conclusion: i love my job.
about six months ago i was promoted within my company to the position of wine sales rep. i had been dreaming about having this job for a seriously long time, so naturally i was thrilled when i first found out, but to be totally honest, the past six months have been kind of the hugest letdown of my entire life. supplying shitty package stores with boxes of franzia wasn't nearly as glamorous as i had expected.
this week was the absolute pinnacle of my job's shitiness. it was so stressful that i've actually been considering a career change, but that all changed when i met matias.
matias is this semi-adorable edward norton look-alike who supplies my company with pommery champagne. supposedly, the entire rest of the world thinks of pommery the way that we, in america, think of veuve cliquot or dom perignon; as the height of luxury and the emodiment of good taste. i had never tasted pommery before, but i was immediately drawn to the packaging on their new POP label.
we started with the brut royale, then moved on the rose, the new, modern POP line, and then, the highlight of my entire wine-drinking career, the cuvee louise. i've had champagne before, and i've been slightly impressed, but from the very first sip of this stuff, i was hooked.
something in the traditional champagne bouquet always throws me off. some people describe the nose as being "yeasty", which never seemed all that appealing to me. in this line however, i found the scent to be alluring, intoxicating even. as we moved into the higher end bottlings something clicked in my brain. this wine smells like seashells, like the ocean, like everything i loved about being fifteen years old.
when we tasted the cuvee louise, i literally had tears in my eyes (i was a bit drunk by this point, mind you). i was seriously moved by how good this wine tasted. i'm talking praline, hazlenut, rose petals, and of course that briny seashell bouquet. it reminded of why i wanted to sell wine in the first place.
who else in the entire world gets to start off their weekend drinking exquisite two-hundred-dollar-a-bottle champagne and getting paid for it?
trust me, i'm done complaining.

love always

north end mexican

here is the best advice i can give you:
go out and get super-trashed with your friends. you don't have to throw up, but make sure you have a hangover the next day. once you are good and hungover, head over to iguanas ranas taqueria on main street and order a torta. watching your hangover dissapear more completely with every bite that you take of this amazing culinary creation is seriously the most satisyingly grimey experience you will ever have.
the torta is a mexican sandwich, and there are only two words in the world which can adequately describe it: huge and delicious. they serve it on the most ginormous roll i've ever laid eyes on, and then they fill it up with as much shit as they can possibly fit on it. refried black beans, your choice of meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, salsa fresca and chipotle mayonaisse.
you won't finish it, i promise, but you will try because once you taste this most amazing of sandwiches you will never want to do anything else besides eat it, all day, every day.
also, the gorditas and tamales are kick-ass.

love always

my oval office fantasy come true

remember when monica lewinsky sucked bill clinton's dick?
i do, because it was right around that time that my sassy grandma traumatized me for life by stating, at the dinner table "i don't blame her! i would've done the same damn thing! that bill clinton is handsome!" Thanks grandma, for the mental picture.
however awkward that moment may have been, i'm very grateful that i can finally relate to my grandmother's sick desire to bang our president. obama is a fucking fox.

okay, okay, all kidding aside, i must say that i'm truly thrilled about obama's victory last night. not only because he is an uber-hottie, but also because i'm proud of my country for coming together to make this happen. the amount of enthusiasm over this election has been incredibly moving and nothing short of inspiring.

i hope that in the coming months we do not all lose site of the fact that we, the people of the united states of america, have made this happen, and that if we wish to continue creating change we must remain focused, informed and active.

congratulations obama, and congratulations america!

love always

because i'm worth it

my ass smells like orange blossoms.
i'm not even kidding you, it really does.
allow me to explain:
as soon as it starts getting chilly in good ole connecticut, my body protests. my skin literally shrivels up and threatens to flake off. i itch all day every day, especially my ass. maybe cuz it's so big and fleshy. i'm not really sure.
in any case, my one saving grace is pacifica.
pacifica is a fragrance company founded by a bad-ass surfer chick. they make candles, soap, perfumes, and the absolute best body butter in the whole world, which in the wintertime i slather all over my parched booty.
today i used the nerola orange blossom, but seriously there is not one scent in this entire collection that i wouldn't wear. everything this woman makes smells like some deeply repressed memory from a past life. completely and totally fucking delicious.
even better, every single one of pacifica's products is eco friendly and all natural. so show yourself some love by heading over to http://www.pacificaperfumes.com/ and spending an extravagant amount of money on something seriously indulgent.
you so deserve it.

love always

holy eargasm! bloc party's new album is so fucking good i can't even stand it

seriously people, don't expect to see me out anytime soon. i have found a fabulous new reason to stay in and dance around in my underwear:

bloc party's new album intimacy.
i think that the official release date is like, tomorrow or something, but i would not encourage anyone to wait that long. if you can get your hands on it right now, than by all means, do so. it's just fucking rich. i honestly can't think of another word to describe it. the fast songs will make you wanna dance and the slower songs are perfect for romantic daydreaming, and kele okereke sings so good that i wanna quit my job and just be his groupie forever.

now, i know i may appear to be musically obsessed. i've been writing about music waaaay more than i ever intended to, but here's the deal; i'm a songs girl. i generally pick out one song by a band and love it to death. it is fucking rare that i love an entire album, but this one just does it for me in a big, big way. i would even go so far as to call it life-changing.
so for that i'd like to mentally send a huge, sloppy, wet, thank you kiss to anyone and everyone who created, inspired or contributed to this beautiful piece of art.

love always

true romance

earlier today i removed the post about needing a rebound and that's because i've found one:
starbucks salted caramel hot chocolate
i'm not even kidding you.
the day after my boyfriend broke up with me i was a weepy mess and it seemed like nothing in the whole world could have possibly stopped the ocean of tears pouring out of me, and then i went to starbucks and i ordered one of these bad boys and just like that, i stopped crying.
why?
because it is literally impossible to cry while this supremely delicious concoction is in your mouth.
today, i was feeling a bit blue, so i went and got another one. as i was paying the drive-thru guy, he informed me that the reason it's so good is because it's made with real cocoa butter.
let's contemplate this for a moment
Cocao
Butter
i swear to you this drink is the nectar of the gods.
now, the fact that it probably contains about a million calories makes it a potion to be used delicately. i have a feeling that it might be highly addictive. so be careful, but by all means go buy one so that starbucks will leave it on the menu forever because the day it gets discontinued, i swear it will be heartbreak all over again for me.

love always

my own private audience with jesus

so, i received a new phone in the mail from sprint today. being the scatterbrain that i am, i recently left my old phone on top of my car and then proceeded to drive away. i was still using it even though it was pretty badly damaged, so when the new one arrived i was freaking ecstatic. plus, it's pearly white like my old phone which i loooove.
so i signed on to sprint to activate my new phone. the way that they do it is through a chatroom-like format, and when i first signed on, they put me on hold, just like they do over the phone. now, as i said before i've been having a really rough time lately and during the roughest times in my life i have always called on a higher power to intervene. so as i was waiting to be serviced i started contemplating how i could deepen my spirtiual connection and have better communication with god/buddha/whatever, when all of a sudden, this message pops up:

6:01:49 PM

System
Jesus has joined this session!
6:01:49 PM

System
Connected with Jesus
6:01:53 PM

Jesus
Thank you for contacting Sprint. My name is Jesús. How may I assist you today?


now, i get that it wasn't really THE jesus and that he probably pronounces it like hey-zeus, and that it's a very common name, especially among people of latin heritage, blah, blah, blah, but i still thought it was pretty ironic and fucking hysterical, and i wanted to share it although, i have a feeling that nobody else will find it quite as funny as i do (i'm still laughing about it). it's kind of like an inside joke between me and god.

love always

the best part of any sappy movie is the soundtrack

i have made a vow to myself to keep this blog light and cheerful. the last thing i want to do is bore anyone with incessant, whiny self-pity (i do enough of that in my real life, thank you very much). that being said, i have to confess that i'm going through a pretty emotional time and for the past couple of days i've been pretty much a walking puddle of tears. however, this has allowed to me to engage in one of my absolute most favorite, self-indulgent, post-breakup practices: listening to the mushiest, gushiest, most heart-wrenchingly sappy songs, preferably while crying and driving simultaneously. so, more than anything right now i want to share with you my top picks for what to listen to when you feel like wallowing in despair.



keane- a bad dream

i first heard this song on scrubs, in the episode where laverne dies, and to be honest, i don't even like keane, but in the second chorus when the guy croons "..but i just feeel tooo tired", it sounds so genuine that i almost want to forgive him for the fact that the rest of his music blows ass.

amy winehouse- back to black
she may be a complete train wreck, but amy winehouse knows a thing or two about broken hearts. best to listen to this one drunk so you can fully understand where she's coming from.



damien rice- 9 crimes

seriously, be careful with this one, it might make you want to slit your wrists, or worse, call you ex. it's that depressing.



mariah carey- we belong together

such a classic! i heard this on the radio today and sang along like my life depended on it. it's especially satisfying if you can keep up with mimi during the fast parts without losing your breath.



miley cyrus- seven things

okay, this is officially the cheesiest of the cheesy and i feel like i should appologize for even mentioning it, but i had to because i'm a sucker for anything disney.

lily allen- littlest things
the best part of this song is when she says "[i remember] the first time that you introduced me to your friends and you could tell that i was nervous so you held my hand". it makes me lose it every single time.

and of course,

dashboard confessional- screaming infidelities
the rarest of indulgences, because this song is soooooo fucking pussy that if you listen to it while you're not actually in the throes of major heartache it might turn you gay.

ahhh, i feel better already.

love always