Wednesday, April 29, 2009

i'm making a fashion statement

so they fired my friend shelly at work, and now i have to tend bar. this is good for a few reasons, namely that my primary expertise is in the consumption of alcohol, and also that i get to wear my own clothes instead of some dumb-ass, manly uniform.
it is also bad for a few reasons. i go to work earlier and stay a bit later, so my free-time has been minimized by a significant percentage. worse than that though is the large contingent of pervy guys who are regular customers at the bar.

some of them are really nice. i mean, they're not all terrible. there are a few gentleman who come in and talk with me, tell me i'm attractive, offer to take me out sometime, but know, in their hearts, that i will never actually date them. one of my favorite customers has made a game of trying to feed me the absolute worst pick-up lines, because he knows it cracks me up.
there's even a guy who comes to the bar, who i totally would go out with, if he got the balls to ask me.
then there are the desperate ones. the guys who have deluded themselves into thinking that i'm uber nice to them because i want them, and not because i work in customer service. i've started wearing my most conservative career clothes from my sales days in an effort to convince them that i am a frumpy, uptight bitch. it hasn't worked. at all. now they just say things like i love a classy woman and did ya dress up cuz ya knew that i was comin in?
the worst came the other day when a group of them was asking me about my upcoming vacation and i told them i was planning on going horseback riding. the grossest one out of all them of course, had to say this:
man am i jealous of that horse, hehe.
i was absolutely horrified! keep in mind that i can be kind of slow when it comes to shit like that, and so i'm sitting there thinking why is he jealous of the....OH!...eeeewww. i had to stop myself from gagging right in his face. and that was my frumpiest day of all. i wore a knee-length, collared, shirt-dress, that is literally shaped like a paper bag.
that night i was driving home from work, racking my brain for some way to get the message across to these guys, when it finally came to me:

i'm rocking this shit at work from now on. because nothing says i don't want to fuck you like the snuggie.

love always

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

something must be done

caprese salads get on my fucking nerves. don't get me wrong, i'm fully aware that the combination of tomato, mozzarella and basil can be absolutely sublime. it's just that when your restaurant is still serving this dish in the dead of winter, with pale, grainy beefsteak tomatoes and chewy, leathery old mozzarella, i think you're kind of missing the point.
still people insist on ordering this shit. trust me, we serve it at my job. what's even worse is when people add other stuff to it. like on our menu, you can add chicken, shrimp, salmon or scallops to any of our salads, and people order the caprese salad with scallops! i'm not even kidding you. in fact, on my first day of work i asked one of the other servers what i should order and she actually suggested this very combination to me!
i ordered it like she told me to because i'm a pussy and i hate to make other people feel bad, but the whole time i kept thinking damn these scallops would taste pretty blazin' if i didn't have all this tomato obstructing the flavor. i don't know what it is, but i just happen to think that tomatoes bring out the worst in seafood.
still, people continue to order this horrid concoction. my guess is that they love the cheese. i mean, we rarely see fresh mozarella offered in any other incarnation. so here's my solution:
first buy the best mozarella you can get your hands on. how will you know which one is the best? easy. it's the one that traveled the least amount of miles to get to you.
next, sear some sacllops in a super hot pan with just a microscopic drizzle of olive oil. i like a nice brown crust on my scallops, but you can cook them for as long or as little as you like. also, size does not matter as much as you think it does when it comes to scallops. the little guys are just as tasty as those ginormous monsters that cost a fortune.
once your scallops are cooked to your liking, splash some olive oil onto a plate and place your scallops on top. break off a chunk of mozzarella and put that on the plate too. top it all of with some lovely avocado slices, as avocado pairs beautifully with both mozarella and seafood. sprinkle some sea salt and lemon and you're good.
so much better than that crap you've been paying ten bucks a plate for at the faux-italian restaurant down the street....despite the fact that i work there.

love always

Thursday, April 16, 2009

karen o. is the new siouxsie sioux


can someone please explain to me why karen o. wasted everyone's time moaning and groaning like a cat in heat on 2003's fever to tell, when underneath all that racket, she totally had it in herself to be this androgynous, avant-garde disco-queen?
on songs like zero and heads will roll, she totally reminds me of siouxsie sioux, who is like the queen supreme of androgynous, avant-garde disco.
clearly, i'm into it.

love always

Sunday, April 12, 2009

the craziest easter ever yo!

today is easter. i have no clue what that's really all about since i was raised to fear catholicism. what i do know is this:
some people think that easter is like a knockoff version of the pagan holiday eostre, which is basically a celebration of the fact that it's fucking nice out finally.
also, easter is a day set aside for feasting on all the cute baby vegetables that grow in spring.
for these two reasons alone, i am down with easter.
i really wanted to wear a frilly, pink, layer-cake of a dress just like when i was five, but i didn't feel like that would be received so well at our yearly family easter dinner, so i wore this instead:

-blue rose-garden print cardigan from forever 21
-black babydoll tee from h & m
-the only pair of skinny jeans that actually fits over my ass from marshalls
-and some fake-ass native american fringey boots, also from forever 21
i topped it all off with a spritz of victoria's secret double body mist in candy baby, which smells just like marshmallow peeps and is therefore the official scent of easter.
the day started off perfect. i downed a few glasses of wine, ate about a pound of caviar, and was just sitting down to a fabulous looking easter dinner, when wham! the inevitable drama of being with my family came to what i just might call an all-time high (or low, depending on how you look at it)
seriously, words cannot do justice to the shitstorm that went down in my house on this holiest of days. one thing i love about my family though is that after everything was said and done with, we all ate cake and laughed hysterically about it.
now that's what i call a good old-fashioned holiday!

love always

Thursday, April 9, 2009

forget sarah marshall, i'd rather have mila kunis

i've been avoiding this movie for quite some time now. from what i could gather, it was just annother american pie knockoff (and i didn't even like the original!), filled with sexist, immature bathroom humor, and lots of naked chicks. needless to say, my prude, feminist ass does not do well with that sort of thing. sunday however, i was so emotionally wasted/hungover that when fluff put it on i didn't even bother to argue, assuming that i'd fall asleep before i caught anything that seriously offended me. thus, i was pleasantly surprised when i not only stayed awake for the entire time, but i also kind of enjoyed watching it.
don't get me wrong now, it was exactly everything i thought it would be. the first half of the movie is spent building a case for why the title character is such a ginormous, evil uber-slut for cheating on protagonist peter, and then "moving on too quickly" after they broke up. yet, in the second half, he cheats on his new girlfriend, rachel, and the movie closes with her forgiving him. can you say double fucking standard?
in addition to that, peter is a total d-bag. when sarah is basically like "dude, i broke up with you because you let yourself go and sat around the apartment eating fucking fruit loops all day, and being a huge waste of oxygen", i can totally relate to her. i would've broken up with his sorry ass too.
here's why the movie is even remotely enjoyable: mila kunis as rachel. to say that she was compelling would be a gross understatement. she was charming, feisty, sensual, witty, passionate, genuine, way too good for that jack ass peter and oh yeah, she was totally fucking hot.
now, i'm not the type to usually say that about females. i've had my fair share of lesbian experiences, and trust me when i say that they did not turn out so well. every once in a while though, there's that one random girl who just totally does it for me. mila kunis' character in this movie just so happens to fall into that category.
it's also worth mentioning the fact that i think russel brand did a fabulous job as well. i saw him host the mtv vmas last year and he was a total trainwreck. in this movie however, he plays up these subtle nuances in his character that make him come off as endearing, rather than obnoxious. for example, when he breaks up with his girlfriend, he seems ever so slightly bummed, whereas i think most actors would've played that part as though he didn't even give a shit. he added some depth to the role, which was nice.
so rather than actually getting invested in the story, i spent the duration of the movie fantasizing about a threesome with mila kunis and russell brand. kinky, yes, but it just goes to show that even in the shitiest of shitshows there is occasionally some tasty little morsel worth staying awake for......or lusting over.

love always

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

about that waitressing gig....

'member when i wrote all that mess about being psyched to start waitressing again? let me just state for the record that i was absolutely right. on the whole, my waitressing job is fan-fucking-tastic! you may check out the website for the restaurant that i'm working at here . notice how a vast majority of the items on our menu are organic? me likey. and yes, the food really does taste as good as it sounds. add to that the fact that i work with some truly kick-ass females, who all do a different cool and interesting something when they're not waitressing, and you've got yourself a recipe for one very happy ex-wine-sales-rep.
until today that is, when i experienced my first waitressing throwdown of my new career. i knew that shit would happen eventually. here's the deal:
i was not scheduled to work dinner today. i was only supposed to work lunch. since i had the night off, i decided that i would make dinner. i had a chicken in the freezer that needed to be defrosted, and i've been reading for a long-ass time that brining your meat makes it taste better. so i decided to try it. yesterday afternoon, rather than just throwing the chicken in the fridge to melt, i lovingly prepared a brine using salt, sugar, garlic, honey, bay leaf and of course, lots of water. i planned to let it sit for a full twenty-four hours for maximum flavor retention.
as soon as i put that shit in the fridge, the wheels in my brain started turning. i thought about how i could blanch the gorgeous baby artichokes i bought the other day with some new potatoes and then throw them in the pan a few minutes before the chicken was done. then i thought about possibly adding some quartered shallots as well, maybe making a nice arugala salad with honey mustard dressing to serve with it all. before i knew it, i had my whole meal mapped out, from the prep down to the plating.
i know that may seem a bit excessive for a weeknight dinner, but food is my obsession y'all. it's what makes me tick. some people eat to live, i live to eat...and cook...and read about cooking...and eating. you get the point. so when i received a text this morning asking me to cover someone's shift tonight, i politely declined. i had much more important things to do.
the trouble didn't start until after lunch, when my boss basically demanded that i come in for dinner, or never come to work again. my hands were shaking. my lip was quivering. i was using all the willpower i had to simply not shed a tear. how could they demand that i abandon my chicken?! i had spent so much time thinking about it over the past twenty-four hours that i felt like i had an emotional connection with it! i was pissed yo!
thankfully, my mom came to the rescue (as mom's often do) and offered to cook the chicken for me so that it wouldn't go to waste and let me tell you, it was the best damned chicken i've ever had. despite the fact that my mom cooked it for a good three hours (she's paranoid about food poisoning), it was still moist and juicy. the brine had soaked all the way through, permeating the meat with a savory-sweetness and a rich, herbal flavor. it was so worth it. all the heart-wrenching, power-struggling drama was totally fucking worth it. i'd do it again in a heartbeat.
let's just hope that next time, i won't have to cover anyone else's shift.

love always

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

you can learn how to dress just by checkin my fresh

last night i went for dinner and drinks, plus american idol on tv and camp rock in the car. it was quite enjoyable. here's what i wore:









bright pink aviators from urban outfitters
black zip-up hoodie from h&m
big black purse from marshalls by ecko red
vintage leopard tunic from retro2mod
bright pink studded belt from forever 21
black trouser pants from marshalls by michael kors
bright pink jelly flats from hot topic (*blushes*)

yes, yes, those are indeed jellies. take a closer look:

love always