road trip, day four: NM, AZ

i've totally put off writing about this day, because i will always remember it as the day we got stuck in the most horrendously awful traffic of my life. to say the least, it was truly bad.


it didn't start off that way though. we woke up on old route 66 in New Mexico in the king suite of the super 8 motel. what can i say? i'm a classy broad.

for anyone who's ever seen cars, route 66 really does look like radiator springs.
we stopped at the KIX on 66 diner and ate some really yummy huevos ranchero for breakfast.
when we got on the highway, we saw a sign for like, the most amazing, coolest rest stop ever that's totally worth waiting 70 more exits for or something like that, so even though i really had to pee, we decided to hold out. it's a damn good thing we did too, otherwise we would've missed out on the largest selection of fake-ass native american touristy shit known to man. including such gems as this
and this
i really shouldn't talk too much shite because we totally did buy a pair of baby mocassins for adonis. they were too cute to resist!

after the tourist trap, my camera battery died, which is really kind of a mini-tragedy because New Mexico and Arizona were some of the coolest looking states we drove through.


at one point, we were in the dead center of this mountain range in Arizona, coming down through the mountains as the sun was setting. it was so beautiful it felt surreal.
then, about ten minutes later is when we hit the traffic. we were still coming down the mountain and up ahead the only thing visible was a spiral of breaklights. all the exits had creepy, foreboding names like bloody basin and dead man's ditch and when we called laura, she assured us that no, there was no point trying to get off and go another way. we were indeed, stuck there.

now, i'm gonna try not to go into too much whiney detail, but can you imagine, after four straight days of driving, stiff neck, no sleep, miles from home, we sat in traffic for two whole hours and moved only ten miles. it was heartwrenching.
eventually, we did make it to laura's house, where she and kevin were kind enough to feed us the best tacos ever and let us sleep in their guest bed, which, after three nights of hotels, really was the nicest thing anyone could've done for me.

love always

road trip, day one: CT, NY, PA, OH

yes, I have arrived safe and sound, in my new home on the west coast. yes, it was a long, arduous, exciting, painful, exhilarating, gut-wrenching, liberating, action-packed adventure of a journey to get here. and yes, of course, I plan on at least attempting to tell you every juicy, little detail about it.
To start off, let me just say that the experience of leaving, actually getting in the car and driving away, was unlike any other. I mean, physically, it really, truly felt like my heart was being pulled in two different directions. I don't think it helped that our first day took us through new york and across pennsylvania, which was boring, cold, rainy and loooong.

When we finally stopped that day, it was in Ohio at a motel 6 that was so disgusting it completely redefined my understanding of the word skeevy. Aside from the bed, and the tv, the only furniture in the room was a small folding table with a chair in front of it that could not have possibly served any other purpose than as a surface for crushing and inhaling drugs. The sheets had cigarette burns in them. I woke up in the middle of the night, sat straight up in the rock-hard bed and cried. It was one of those nights I wasn't sure if I'd even make it through.

There was however, a ray of sunshine in the midst of all this doom and gloom. Somewhere in the middle of pennsylvania, we stopped at this adorable place called the twilight diner and ordered these:buffalo-style beer-battered jack and blue cheese sticks. yes, i'm fucking serious.

the whole place was like something out of a movie about where you'd wanna eat on a road trip.
and the food was so good that i'd almost consider doing it all again just to eat there.

love always

short shorts, fat ass

it's finally summer here. the sun is shining. the birds are singing. the rain has slowed to just one eensy-weensy little thunderstorm a day (trust me, this an improvement). all in all, i should be a pretty happy girl, right? i should have little to nothing to complain about, correct?
nope. never!
my latest qualm was actually brought on by the beautiful weather, which has reminded of one of life's little injustices that i never fully could accept:
my complete inability to wear shorts.
for years, i avoided even the mention of them. why? because the second i put them on my big, cuddly ghetto-booty takes one look at them and goes oh! what a cute little pair of shorts you are! let me give you a hug! om nom nom nom! and then proceeds to swallow them whole so that all that's left is a tiny swatch of fabric sticking out of the vast landscape of my bare asscheeks.
now, i've tried some basic solutions i.e., buy a bigger size, shop in the old lady department, avoid anything fabrics that might be prone to riding up. apparently, nothing works. case in point: i recently bought a pair of sturdy denim shorts two sizes too big and a few inches too long. i'm talking grandma style. my mom even borrowed them from me once, reasurring my initial assumption that coochie cutters, these are not. so i wore em out last week and i'm walking towards my friends car and she starts screaming out the window "damn girl! put some clothes on you little slut!" later, after much scowling, sulking and pouting from me she's like "you know i was just kidding right?" and i'm thinking yeah, sure you were.
now normally, i wouldn't sweat it that much, but the situation brought back a seriously painful memory for me. a few years ago, my current beau and i decided to grab a pizza and spend the night in. i wore a sexy little pair of velour booty shorts, hoping to seduce him. so when we went to go pick up the pizza down the street, the owner/manager of the pizza place who happens to be an aqaintance of ours is like "um, excuse me but your ass is hanging out. i can see your buttcheeks. you might want to put some clothes on" and of course, i'm completely mortified! i was just trying to look nice for my boyfriend, and on top of that, it's not like i'm the first woman to ever wear a pair of short shorts. once we got in the car, i told my boyfriend how embarassed i was and he was just like "bae, what do you expect when you dress like a slut?" EXCUSE ME, MOTHERFUCKER, BUT I WORE THOSE FOR YOU!!!!!
i now realize that it takes a huge d-bag to make a comment like that, and an even bigger d-bag to not have his girl's back, but still, the memory of it shames me and induces massive amounts of cringing, not to mention a strong aversion to ever wearing shorts again.
the problem is, i like shorts! who the fuck wants a pair of skinny jeans hugging up on your thighs in ninety degree heat? plus, the fashion possibilities are endless! shorts with tights, shorts with knee-his, shorts with boots. but no matter how i wear em, i always end up looking like this guy:

*le sigh*

love always

june gloom

lately, the weather in lovely ct has been absolutely poisonous. eerily dreary and stiflingly humid. just walking outside feels toxic. my friends keep getting sick and everyone looks like they have storm clouds under their eyes.
it's time like these i think, where i grow the most. stay indoors and curl up, into myself where i can remember the answers i already knew. feel the way my heart beats at the center.....
in other words, i feel all angsty and goth and emo and like, fourteen years old or something! wtf sun, why you gotta be all non-existent and shit?! get your ass in gear and shine on us before i start writing poetry again....
or indulging in crap like this:

or even worse, this:



love always

about that waitressing gig....

'member when i wrote all that mess about being psyched to start waitressing again? let me just state for the record that i was absolutely right. on the whole, my waitressing job is fan-fucking-tastic! you may check out the website for the restaurant that i'm working at here . notice how a vast majority of the items on our menu are organic? me likey. and yes, the food really does taste as good as it sounds. add to that the fact that i work with some truly kick-ass females, who all do a different cool and interesting something when they're not waitressing, and you've got yourself a recipe for one very happy ex-wine-sales-rep.
until today that is, when i experienced my first waitressing throwdown of my new career. i knew that shit would happen eventually. here's the deal:
i was not scheduled to work dinner today. i was only supposed to work lunch. since i had the night off, i decided that i would make dinner. i had a chicken in the freezer that needed to be defrosted, and i've been reading for a long-ass time that brining your meat makes it taste better. so i decided to try it. yesterday afternoon, rather than just throwing the chicken in the fridge to melt, i lovingly prepared a brine using salt, sugar, garlic, honey, bay leaf and of course, lots of water. i planned to let it sit for a full twenty-four hours for maximum flavor retention.
as soon as i put that shit in the fridge, the wheels in my brain started turning. i thought about how i could blanch the gorgeous baby artichokes i bought the other day with some new potatoes and then throw them in the pan a few minutes before the chicken was done. then i thought about possibly adding some quartered shallots as well, maybe making a nice arugala salad with honey mustard dressing to serve with it all. before i knew it, i had my whole meal mapped out, from the prep down to the plating.
i know that may seem a bit excessive for a weeknight dinner, but food is my obsession y'all. it's what makes me tick. some people eat to live, i live to eat...and cook...and read about cooking...and eating. you get the point. so when i received a text this morning asking me to cover someone's shift tonight, i politely declined. i had much more important things to do.
the trouble didn't start until after lunch, when my boss basically demanded that i come in for dinner, or never come to work again. my hands were shaking. my lip was quivering. i was using all the willpower i had to simply not shed a tear. how could they demand that i abandon my chicken?! i had spent so much time thinking about it over the past twenty-four hours that i felt like i had an emotional connection with it! i was pissed yo!
thankfully, my mom came to the rescue (as mom's often do) and offered to cook the chicken for me so that it wouldn't go to waste and let me tell you, it was the best damned chicken i've ever had. despite the fact that my mom cooked it for a good three hours (she's paranoid about food poisoning), it was still moist and juicy. the brine had soaked all the way through, permeating the meat with a savory-sweetness and a rich, herbal flavor. it was so worth it. all the heart-wrenching, power-struggling drama was totally fucking worth it. i'd do it again in a heartbeat.
let's just hope that next time, i won't have to cover anyone else's shift.

love always

this is the lamest recession ever

the recession has finally hit home for me.
i woke up on thursday morning, all set for a super-long day at work. i had accounts to see, and immediately afterwards, a long sales meeting. but then i got a phone call from my boss asking if i could please come to the office a bit early to speak with him. i knew right then that something bad was going to happen.
i tried to get my boss to meet with me earlier. i was anxious and scared and not looking forward to an enire day of shaky anticipation. he refused.
at my last account of the day, i could barely hold my shit together. i rushed out before i had even finished the order, leaving my customer confused and bewildered and tripping over my own feet on the way out.
when i finally made it to my bosses office, they called in my direct supervisor and delivered the blow swiftly.
we've been waiting for you to exhibit certain behaviors that you have not yet exhibited.
you're a nice person, but that's all you are.
we're going to have to let you go.
and the icing on the cake: is there anything you would like to say?
in fact, there were many things i would've liked to say. such as: exactly what beahviors were you waiting for me to exhibit? perhaps if i had magically grown a dick so as to fit in better with the rest of the sales force?
i did not say any of those things. instead, i tried not to cry as i attempted to erase all incriminating evidence from my company issued laptop. eventually, we all agreed that perhaps it would be better if i returned the laptop the next day, after i had a chance to pull myself together.
i drove home in a haze of tears. i screamed into the phone at my mother that no, everything was not fucking okay. i called the customers that i was exceptionally close with and they reasurred me that i would, indeed be missed, and that no, i was not a terrible sales person.
then i sat. i sat and i thought, for a really long time. i thought of how i had spent my birthday this past year sitting in a wine class that failed to teach me anything i did not already know. i thought about the abortion that i had in may because no one wants to buy booze from a pregnant chick. i thought about the new car i had purchased, in order to run my new route, and i wondered how the fuck i would ever make the payment if i were forced to take a pay cut. i waited for some great realization, but it did not come. i could only sit and go over every sacrifice i had made for a job that no longer belonged to me.
it wasn't until later, after i admitted to myself that maybe i shouldn't be alone, and had gone to find comfort at a friends house, that it started to be okay. we were watching some commercial, possibly for apple or some such company. the commercial featured words like innovative, creative, ideas and the future. i used to see commercials like this and feel jealous. for me, those words, that concept, the image that those companies are trying to sell, was a thing of the past.
now, it didn't have to be that way.
i had liked some things about my job. mostly, i liked the fact that i was bringing in good money for a job that felt easy. there were also, however, things about my job that i had hated. things that opressed me. things like when my boss told me that in order to succesfully sell wine, i had to wear darker colors. or like the fact i always felt like i was faking it, and sooner or later, i would be found out. or like the way that during sales meeting my co-workers would always make snide comments like "i guess i have to watch my mouth now that there's a lady in the room."
the bottom line is that i never fit. and in this economy there is no room for an employee who doesn't fit. while this may feel like a bad thing, especially to those of us who no longer have a steady paycheck, i think that there are some positive aspects to the situation as well. it forces us to take a step back and think about where we do fit, where our skills would be the most useful and valued. it forces us to aks ourselves what we can do in this world, for this world, rather than just accepting whichever job pays the most.
personally, i'm excited to no longer be a wine sales rep, because that's not who i am. i am a writer. i am a thinker. i am a fabulous dresser (in brightly colored clothing!). i can do a cartwheel on my elbows, and i also happen to know more about wine than anyone else i know. i know in my heart that somewhere on this earth, there is a job for someone with exactly those qualifications, and now i am free to go find it.
there are people in this world who were born to sell wine. people who sell wine so well that it inspires people. people who sell wine in a way that changes the world. people who are so fucking amazing at selling wine that they should be famous for it. i am not one of those people.
there are also people who are great at other things, and who do those other things in a way that inspires people or changes the world or makes them famous.
now, i get to take my place among them.

love always

oh the weather outside is frightful

which means that it's time for me to face the awful truth about what happened on abdc this week. i will do my best to keep my cool while relaying this sad series of events.
first of all, i could tell it was gonna be a shitshow when they started off with an opening number. the opening number on abdc signifies the start of many bad decisions. among them, the decision to eliminate fish 'n' chicks in the first season, which takes the cake for my most devastating abdc moment ever. in traditional opening number fashion, the choreography was beyond cheesy. it literally hurt my eyes to watch.
after the opening number came a really sweet performance by quest crew, during which i came to an important realization about why i like this crew so much. have you ever seen the movie hook? if you haven't, please watch it immediately. if you have, you'll feel me on this. quest crew is the new incarnation of the lost boys. d-trix even has the same hairdo as rufio.

after quest crew, beatfreaks went off!!!! again. seriously ladies, spice it up a bit. at this rate, you're gonna win the show- no contest. now, where's the fun in that?

here's where the trouble starts.
strikers all-stars and fly khicks are in the bottom two. i was cool with fly khicks when they beat the ringmasters but since then, they've been in the bottom three motherfucking times! doesn't that tell you something?

strikers had it tough. they were given a shitty song (pose by daddy yankee), and then asked to emulate the video, which is miles away from the type of dance they normally do. so to begin with, the boys are out of their element. then, in the middle of the routine my boyfriend mike (you know, the one who ditched obama for mtv) fucks up and does this ridiculous spinny airplane move because he can't find his place. the judges give him hell for it. then, right before they cut to break, they show him backstage pacing around, totally freaked that he just screwed the whole thing up for his crew.
you can already tell this is going to end badly.
at this point, i'm praying for strikers. hoping that fly khicks at least get a shitty song too, you know, to level the playing field. of course they don't.
they get pon de replay by rihanna, and then they show them backstage talking about how they have to wind like rihanna. winding? really? i came out of the womb knowing how to wind, and that's their challenge?
so, the girls come out and wind flawlessly, as if that's actually a difficult thing to do. during the judges commentary shane is like "yo, you dance like my sister buffy." my point exactly shane.

then there's this whole thing about how fly khicks is getting back to their roots by wearing baggy jeans. alright, listen bitches, the only thing i have ever seen you wear is booty shorts and bras. even with your baggy jeans you're wearing bras. could you please try to be beatfreaks just a little harder. maybe while you're at it you could take some dance lessons.

i think you already know what happens next.
when they announce that the judges chose to keep fly khicks instead of strikers, the girl stading in the front for fly khicks is like "what?!". even they were dumbfounded that they got to stay.
meanwhile, poor baby mike from strikers is biting his lip trying so hard not to cry on national tv. seriously though mike, i just want you to know, everyone messes up, and you are still a truly fine specimen of a man. if you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.
actually, i was getting a bit teary myself. the idea that i have to look at fly khicks again for another week is truly devastating to me. i swear to god if they make it into the top two, i'm breaking up with abdc.
then again, i think i say that every season.

love always

they're fucking with me, i just know it.

this weeks episode of abdc was such a travesty, that i'm going to have to ask you to just bear with me for a few days until i calm down and am able to write about it without BUGGING THE FUCK OUT!!!
now, if you'll excuse me for that small outburst, i'd like to say that aside from abdc, i'm really quite pleased with the way things have been working out lately. i had a lovely tasting this evening at my newest account, kaman's. i was chatty and bubbly and most importantly, i sold things, which always puts a smile on my face.
even better, i stood up to my ex-boyfriend today, which is truly a cause for celebration. normally, i'd drink champagne, but even more impressively, i've quit drinking for the week.
cheers!

love always

this is what us single folk do on valentine's

yet again, i am uber-late with the abdc update. can you tell that this new-england winter shit is really getting to me? it's like my cells are actually freezing, so that they're susupended, or moving in slow-motion or something. therefore, it is quite easy for me to lay around watching crappy tv, but formulating an actual opinion on it and then articulating that opinion is another thing entirely.

nevertheless, i will attempt it.

beatfreaks, i love you gals so much! especially adorable marys, who dedicated her performance to her late brother, who so sadly passed away before he even turned 18. after the performance, they showed her backstage telling her crew "i love you guys so much. you're my family." in her sweet accent. now, i really want her to be my new best friend.

also, this week i like beatfreaks better than quest crew again, because quest crew's performance was kinda whack.
strikers all-stars also gave kind of a weak performance, but they totally made up for it by being SEXY AS FUCK.
fly khicks and dynamic addition had to battle it out at the end, and y'all know how i feel about both these crews, but lo and behold, the cloggers actually learned how to dance! i've never seen clay aiken look so gangsta!
of course, as soon as i decide to like them they go and get eliminated. all because fly khicks know how to do splits in their booty shorts.
typical, abdc, so fucking typical.

love always

i suck at vacationing

So, to continue with my story....


after my horrific plane ride, i actually did land in sacramento. by that point, i was barely concious, but since this is my first time on the west coast, i tried to stay awake for the ride. we saw a del taco which was definately different than connecticut, but the thing i was most amazed by, was the fact that they have lemon trees and orange trees and grapefruit trees just growing in people's yards like it's nothing.


i slept like shit the first night, even though i was dead tired, but when i woke up, sheryl made ham and eggs and coffee, which was pretty awesome. then we walked the dog and i stole an orange off someone's tree, because i just had to taste it. i must admit, it was pretty slammin.


we headed off to berkeley around noon to visit my favorite uncle and go to a meditation thingie. the drive was so overwhelming for me, because everything looks so different here. and not in the way that i expected, either. yes, there are palm trees, but what's really crazy is the land itself. sometimes it rolls into these big green hills, and other times it flattens out completely, but it always looks bigger than in connecticut, and the sky looks bigger too.


by the time we got to berkeley i was so blown away and disconcerted that i really couldn't even focus. we hung out at my uncle's apartment for a bit, and then we decided to walk downtown and find food. on the way we saw these gorgeous flowers with these odd pod-like things attached to them, which we later found out were passion fruits. we also saw lavender plants, and sage and all sorts of fancy-smelling things, and the flowers were actually in bloom! in the middle of january!


we decided to eat at this vegan/raw restaurant called Cafe Gratitude . it was super cozy inside and the menu was huge. they have this whole gratitude theme going on as well. the food is called stuff like i am amazing, and when they bring it to you, they say "you are amazing". they also asked us the "question of the day", which was "what about your life is blessed?" i ordered the i am abundant sampler plate and although most of it tasted like your average health food, the hummus and the olive tapenade were super-tasty. i also had a killer dessert called i am bliss, which kind of resembled a chocolate cream pie and really was quite blissful.
the trouble started after our meal, when we were walking back to the apartment. all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i felt like i had swallowed a basketball. maybe it was all the dense vegan food i had just eaten, or maybe it was the fact that my whole body was still reeling from the traumatic night before, but of course i did not consider either of these possibilities. instead i panicked, and decided that i must be pregnant.
at that point we all decided that i was in no shape for sitting through an hour long meditation class. sheryl went to the elephant pharm to buy me a pee test, and we decided to just head back to the apartment and chill, which was nice because i really haven't seen my family (or at least this sect of it) in a long time. my uncle was very sweet, providing us with tea and plenty of little things to nibble and pick at. i fell asleep on the car ride home, and woke up the next morning feeling refreshed and ready to go......

love always

next time, i'm upgrading to first class

i swore that when i got to california i was going to write every single day, and of course i've been here 3 days and i haven't even written a word. it's not that i'm being lazy, it's just that there's too much to do! i'm beyond overwhelmed. i do however, feel that it's really important for me to document this stuff. i just need some time to process it all.
Like for example, the plane ride was so fucking traumatic that i had to wait a few days before i could even think about it again. what happened was, i left connecticut at noon for laguardia, and i didn't even arrive in sacramento until 1 am cali time (which is 4am CT time). So, yes, if you did the math, i spent sixteen hours traveling and it was HELL! The ride up to laguardia wasn't bad. we stopped for food and took our time. laguardia itself wasn't that bad either, although all they had in the bookstore was twilight so i had to read eclipse again, but even that was fine. the trouble started when i was actually all the way on the plane and we were taking off.
it's been five years since the last time i had flown prior to this, and i don't know if my body changed or if i just forgot, but holy mother of god, i hate flying. all the bizarre changes in pressure, the fact that the airplane seat is barely large enough to seat a five year old, plus my fear of heights as i watched new york city turn into this tiny speck of glitter, all of that together made me so sick that i literally had a panic attack in midair when i realized that i had to do it all over again once i got on my connecting flight.
and of course, the connecting flight was delayed, because, get this, someone on the plane before me had a medical emergency and they had to do an emergency landing at a hospital. i truly hope that whoever that was is feeling better and getting the best care they possibly can, but honestly, how often does that happen? my guess is only when i'm flying. so, the flight was delayed and the continental people were being total assholes about it, refusing to answer anyone's questions about when our flight was coming in, or what gate we were leaving from. i called everyone i know and cried about how i'd never leave the houston airport, and i'd be stuck there forever and then, we finally got on the plane and this jackass asked me to switch seats with his daughter so she sit closer to him and i felt bad, so i said yes and then i ended sitting next to a fat man in an aisle seat. at that point i gave up and ate one of the klonopin that my mom gave me and attempted to sleep through it, but alas, that stupid drink cart kept hitting me in the elbows and ankles. in short it sucked.
many more thngs happened after that, but i'm just getting started. more later.

love always

why must YOU cry? i mean really, stop it....

i've been in kind of a rut lately. nothing too serious (although, i promise you, at times, it feels serious). just your typical quarter-life crisis, i-feel-like-i-sold-my-soul-because-i-work-in-a-semi-coprporate environment type shit. i've asked countless people about how i should go about fixing this, and everyone has answered in a typical fashion.


find a hobby.


the thing is, i have plenty of hobbies. i write. i collect vintage. i read with obsessive fervor, but these are all solitary things to do, and what i'm craving more than anything is a feeling of connectedness, of teamwork. so, i began scanning craigslist looking for a group creative endeavor. anyone who has ever read craigslist in connecticut knows that the majority of posts basically say "i'm looking for a teenage model to come to house so i can date-rape her" and for quite some time my search was fruitless.


then, i saw the ad for gold fangs (yeah, for real)


this guy had posted numerous times before searching for actors and actresses for a short film in my area. i had never payed attention for whatever reason, but the idea of gold fucking fangs was too much for me to ignore. to be honest, the fantasy going on in my head was somewhere between the never-ending story and interview with the vampire (because the twilight vamps don't have fangs).


so i sent out an e-mail, expecting to get a response from some dorky film student about the sci-fi fantasy flick he was creating. i figured that at the very least, i might be able to meet some hot nerdy boys whose virginty i could steal, but no, oh no, my life does not work that way.


instead i received an e-mail from reh dogg, who according to an article in our local newspaper, won some award for the worst you-tube video of the year. i can only imagine the fierce competition he was facing for that coveted title. after watching it though, i guarantee you, this man deserved it. (if you are in need of some serious lulz, go check it out, it's called "why must i cry)


then, reh dogg follows up with an e-mail inviting me to view some of his work, including the gold fangs movie which i was so damn psyched about. seriously people, words could not do it justice.

at a certain point i just had to accept that god is playing a cruel joke on me, but it's a good joke, and i have no choice but to keep laughing.

love always