birfday witches

Yes, yes, it's that time again! My birthday is right around the corner. Yes, yes, I know. I'm bad at birthdays. Always have been. I get all caught up in the expectation to have the best time ever, and I go cray cray trying to control shit and then I'm inevitably let down. Last year was the crown jewel in a long line of bad, bad birthdays because I had just moved to California and did not know anyone besides my Dad and his girlfriend and my Uncle. So, I pretty much went to bed at ten o'clock on my birthday and may or may not have cried myself to sleep.
But this year will be different, I just know it! I have the most fabulous friends in the world to keep me calm and grounded and I'm gonna do my absolute best to just chill out and let it happen.
Now, I am not at all expecting presents. In fact, I could care less about them. If no one buys them, I will still be happy as long as I have a good time surrounded by people that I love.
-But.....
people have been asking me what I want, so to make it easier, and just for the sake of fantasy, here's what I'd like if you're buying.

-Tickets to Treasure Island (Saturday only! I repeat, only Saturday!)
I wanna see LCD Soundsystem! So fucking bad it hurts. Seriously though, I don't go alone, so I'm not actually asking you to buy me a ticket. I can afford my own. But, if this sounds like something you might wanna do, please buy yourself a tickets, that way we can go together and hold hands and dance in the sun!

-Moneys
I know that is a seriously weak request. Especially considering that I am not broke. I do however, have to afford a plane ticket home on Christmas Eve. In case you didn't know, flying on Christmas Eve is insanely expensive. If I had a choice, I would not do it. But my work schedule demands that I be there right up until the last second, and I cannot, absolutely cannot spend Christmas away from my family. Sooooo, any monetary gifts that I receive for my birthday this year will be funding that trip. I promise.

-A bike (pink, please!)
When I first moved here, I swore I would never ride a bike. It seemed like the trendy thing that everyone was doing, and therefore, I felt I should avoid it like the plague. But since then, I can't even tell you how many times I've wished I had a goddamn bike. Like when all my friends don't have to worry about parking/driving drunk but I do. Or the other day when my roommate and I were trying to decide whether to walk or drive to the farmer's market and the obvious solution was to just bike there, but since I don't have a fucking bike, we walked. In the rain. You should have seen my fucking hair after that.
And no, I don't actually know how to ride a bike, but many people have generously offered to spend their time teaching me, and I think it would be shame not to take advantage of their generosity.

-Bubbles
If you want me to love you forever I'll take bottles of Egly Ouriet, Pommery, Vilmart & Cie and Nicolas Feiullatte, please and thank you. Although, you could also just buy some cheap ass drugstore shit and I'd be equally pleased, as long it sparkles.

-Cupcakes
Do I really even have to explain this?

-Your beautiful faces
What I want most for my birthday is to see as many of my friends and family as possible. I understand that some of you live far and that makes it pretty much impossible, but those of you that can show up, please do. Having your friends three-thousand miles away on your birthday really puts this kind of shit into perspective. Nothing, absolutely nothing, would make me happier than to turn 26 surrounded by as many of you as possible.

Okay, now let's go celebrate!

love always

holiday

I finally had an actual vacation! Like, as in, I got on a plane and went somewhere new and different for fun. Not for work, not for some tedious family obligation, and certainly not anywhere near CT (even though I don't live there anymore, something about it is like, the anti-vacation). I went to San Diego to visit Scarlet and Geoff in their cute new house and celebrate the 4th of July by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and eating way too much food.
The best thing about Scarlet and Geoff's new house is their shower, for sure. I noticed their amazing shower curtain first, with it's impeccable detailing and flawless craftsmanship. Would you believe they sourced it all the way from Target?! Astounding! After cooing over it for like an hour when I first arrived, I was awed to find, the next morning, that behind this masterpiece lies the most fabulous mint-green tile I have ever seen! Of course I promptly forced Scarlet to take slutty photos of me standing in front of it.Unfortunately, the colors didn't come out the way I had hoped, but I promise you, it was the mintiest mint I've ever seen!
Also, check out my outfit! I got the cover-up at H+M and I've been dying to wear it ever since. I was so pumped for this trip, because unlike the Bay, San Diego actually gets beach weather. I wanted to wear my cover-up and get a tan and drink pina coladas! Alas, it was totally grey the entire time I was there, and I only actually wore this outfit for the above photo. Goddamn June gloom!
We still totally had a blast, though. On the first night, we went to this dive bar where they had this old chick handing out these awesome patriotic accessories.

We found some randoms and bought them home with us.
When the sun came up in the morning, Scarlet and I were still awake watching creepy videos like this one.
We slept for approximately five minutes. Geoff made waffles in the morning and Scarlet and I lit things on fire to make bananas foster. Then Scarlet and Geoff had a party.
Lots of people came and we ate lots of food and drank lots of beer and vodka. We went to see the fireworks at the ocean.We sat on top of this cliff and watched the fireworks explode over the water. It was dark out and the waves were crashing over all these dark, jagged looking rocks. It was one of those moments where it's so pretty you wish you could share it with everyone, so you sit there clicking the shutter on your camera, attempting to record it somehow, but eventually you just give up because you know it'll never look as beautiful as it did in person.
After the fireworks, we walked back to the house. There was another fireworks display going off in the distance. We couldn't see the actual fireworks, but it lit up the sky and made it look like magic. We stayed up drinking, yet again, until the wee hours of the morning, and by the time I got on the plane on Monday morning I was in this bizarre, slightly blissful half hungover state that lasted a good twenty four hours. I guess that's how you know you've had a vacation, right?
love always

pride

So, I went to the gay pride parade in San Francisco and it was pretty fucking fantastic.
I've been to gay pride parades on the East Coast, and while I was never entirely unimpressed by the spectacle of it all, I always felt like a bystander. A mere observer. Someone who is not allowed to truly take part in all the glittering festivities because I, myself, do not identify as gay. I have often found myself wishing there was a holiday in which heterosexuals were allowed to parade through the streets wearing nothing but a sparkly g-string. (and trust me, I get it. In our culture everyday is a celebration of heterosexuality. I just wanna wear the damn g-string!)
Prior to this event, all my friends assured me that it would in fact, be entirely acceptable for me to walk around in a sparkly g-string. I was planning to go all crazy with my outfit, constructing some elaborate costume-thing. But then I went to this party on Friday night and ended up spending Saturday throwing up and eating chocolate sorbet and burnt caramel ice cream from ici in an attempt to cure my hangover and I woke up on Sunday with nothing planned, or even laundered for that matter. So, I threw on some jeans and a fancy halter, hopped on BART (which was swarming with folks in rainbow tutus) and set off to meet my friends at Oona's office, which is three stories up and has floor to ceiling windows. Straight VIP status, I tell you!
From the second I got off the train, I could tell this was a different scene than I was used to. I swear to god, it felt like everyone in the entire city had shown up to watch this thing. I don't know how to say this without being totally cheesy, but I found it tender, heartwarming, touching that an entire city would show up to honor gay pride. Not to hate on my hometown, but where I'm from, there are people who wouldn't go to a gay pride parade if you paid them. Pathetic, I know. To most folks from the Bay Area, I imagine that it's no surprise to see their community united this way. It's a well known fact that San Francisco is a notoriously accepting city, not only of gays, but of people from all different walks of life. Still, to me it was really special to know that a place exists where being gay (or a sex-worker, or a radical, pagan feminist, etc.) is not only allowed, it's simply not a big deal. I got hollered at by mad straight dudes who showed up for gay pride and no matter how annoying it may have been (I had one dude scream down the street at me “Girrrl, you got a fattyyy!!”) that's actually kind of cool when you think about it.
Plus, the parade was breathtaking:So, yeah, I was getting all emotional, not to mention tipsy and feeling so damn warm and fuzzy that I failed to notice I was missing THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!!! They played a set after the parade and I was too busy holding hands with my girlfriends and crying happy tears into my gin and tonic to realize what the fuck was going on. The shame! The horror!

After I finally recovered from that massive heartbreak (2 seconds later), we decided to walk down to the castro, where, sure as shit, everyone was still out and about celebratin'. Oh, except for this chick:We started talking to her because Oona wanted to adopt her cat, but unlike most of the people you encounter posted up on city sidewalks, this woman was actually making sense. She told us this story, how she came from a small town in Ohio and couldn't wait to get out, how she was young and wild and having the time of her life in good old SF, and then, how she found she had HIV and her life fell apart. The saddest thing about her story was the earnestness with which she described attempting to get government assistance and then realizing that all the money that is supposed to be helping people like her is actually being embezzled by fat cat politicians who are using it as a means to their own end. I can't guarantee that she isn't full of shit or batshit crazy, but it was a good reminder that if you're donating to charity and you don't fully research or understand the causes you're donating to, you may as well be throwing your money in the trash for all the good it's doing.This chick is like, 60 years old and has been living with AIDS for years now. Can you imagine how beautiful she must've been when she was younger? And the whole bit about being from a small town and moving to San Francisco and loving it? That could've been me! Seriously people, if you're shelling out money to some random charity just so you can feel like you're doing something good, please stop. Find a legit program that's actually out there helping real people.

After all that heavy shit (plus a failed attempt at using a public bathroom) we were in desperate need of a drink. We found this place that basically looked like a swanky hall of mirrors and settled in with some dark and stormys

I took random photos in the bathroom.

Then we took off to another bar, where we engaged in more debauchery.This is where things start to get a bit blurry. Drunk drama, an insufferably long wait for the BART, I may have even eaten mcdonald's (ugh). Still, it was all so fucking worth it. I might not be gay, but when it comes to being part of a community that knows how to unite and truly go wild in celebration of our differences, I'm totally fucking proud.

love always

Best Day Ever!

No, not because Eclipse is finally out today.
Today is my best friend Amy's birthday! 27 years ago today, a miracle occurred and one of the baddest bitches this world will ever see was born. Here, the top five reasons why that makes me so ecstatic:

5. Her sick dance moves!
No disrespect to the king of pop or anything, but now that he's all dead and gone, Amy is officially the only person on the planet who truly knows how to work it out to "Billie Jean". Seriously, if you live in Mtown and you've never experienced this phenomenon in action, go to Amy's house and beat down her door until she agrees to show you her old dance videos. No life is complete without seeing this.

4. She had a baby on my couch!
After an experience like that, how could you not be close?! The way that Erin came into this world is so intense and so magical. I feel privileged to have been a part of it.

3. She is an excellent mother, among other things.

Amy's devotion to her daughter is truly moving. Her comittment to raising her child in a loving and supportive manner is nothing short of exemplary. But Amy's not one to flaunt that. So many of my facebook friends who have children are constantly posting about how much they love their kids, which is sweet and all but it's also kind of a given. Of course you love your kids! Everyone loves their kids! Amy loves her daughter with a fierceness like no other, but that hasn't stopped from doing a number of other amazing things, like finishing her graduate degree and being an all around down ass chick.

2. She's funny as hell!Even in my darkest moments, Amy is one of the few people who can always get me to crack a smile. Her sense of humor is dark, occasionally innapropriate and always hysterical. From telling boys "I already had you!" to joking about beating off with weston corn oil, this bitch always has me dying! Plus, she has one of those awesome laughs that makes everyone else want to laugh too, even though she says it's really a cackle.

1. She's the bestest friend in the whole wide world!
Amy is loyal, almost to a fault. No matter how many times we've lost touch throughout the years, no matter how many bad situations I've dragged her into, she has always come through for me when I needed her. Amy is that chick who will sit and have a deep conversation while you're trying to work out your shit and then drag your ass out dancing and force feed you shots when it's time to move on and get over it. I seriously cannot even count the number of dilemnas I've successfully made it through just because she was there to support me. Despite the face that I live three thousand miles away, she still picks up her phone whenever I'm feeling low, and most of the time, just hearing her voice on the other end makes me feel better automatically.

I love you Amy LaMarre! My life would not be complete without you! I hope you have the best birthday ever because no one deserves it as much as you!

love always

valentine

This year for Valentine's day, I am without a valentine for the first time in four years. Admittedly, it feels a little odd to not be enacting the Valentine's tradition I shared with my ex - dinner at forbidden city, accompanied by copious amounts of wine - but I'm not yet at the point in my singledom where I feel bitter or slighted.

So, I'd like to celebrate with what is undoubtedly my most favorite piece of romantic poetry ever. In a way, this is my Valentine to myself. If I were to receive a Valentine, I would want it to say exactly this, as I have always fantasized that in some strange, far-off, magical way, this poem in in fact, for me (I do have rather tiny hands you know..)
But this is also my Valentine to you, to the entire universe, with love....

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
by E. E. Cummings
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond any experience,your eyes have their silence: in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly, as when the heart of this flower imagines the snow carefully everywhere descending; nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility:whose texture compels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing (i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

love always

golden age

"Bright moments always come back vivid..."

you know those times in your life that stay all lit up in your memory? Times when things felt effortless, easy and perfect? Times when all the people and places and things in your world just seemed to fit?
I have been lucky enough in my 25 years, to be able to say that I've got quite a few of those memories. In the past I've stumbled onto moments, periods, eras that feel so right they could only have been destined. It is in these times that I've found reasons to keep existing, to keep trying, to keep persisting.
Only, it's been a while. It's been raining here for like, two weeks straight (which feels like an eternity) I've been working and fighting and holding it down, and I'm tired, and I need, I mean really need to slip into that mode where the world just sort of starts happening around me and I can relax and know that everything is going to be not just alright, but perfect and blissful.
So I've created a plan. I've simply decided to be in that place, right now.
Beginning at this very moment, I am going to fall in love with the city I've moved to and it's going to love me back. I am going to be surrounded by beautiful and interesting and charming people, and when I have the misfortune to come across someone unpleasant, I am not going to take their behavior personally, but rather I will laugh and feel sorry for them. I am going to have adventures fall in my lap so often that I will have the freedom to pick and choose exactly which opportunities I will take advantage of. I am going to protected by a magical circle of love and starlight and sunsets and bubblegum.....and you know what the key to all of this is?
i don't have to worry about a fucking thing. I've made my decision and I'm pretty sure that for that reason alone, all of this is true.

love always

peace out 2009, it's been real

It's hard to believe this past year has actually come to an end. I remember this time one year ago, thinking on my future and wondering where I might be in a year. It was a strange time in my life. I had just come out of a long, hard relationship, suffered a scathing rejection from the first boy I had dated in 4 years, dragged my mother out of the depths of a dark depression and into a brand new condo, which I was living in with her at the time, oh, and I was working a job that I absolutely hated but wasn't quite ready to admit that to myself yet.

In the midst of all this bleakness, I found a ray of hope to latch onto. My horoscopes for the year, every single one, were unanimously predicting that 2009 would be the year that I would find true love. I know what you're thinking "don't all horoscopes say that all the time?" or "why would you put that much faith in astrology?" There are a few different explanations. One is that I am hopelessly obsessed with my horoscope, as you may or not know from past posts. But the other is far more personal, and I'd imagine, easier to relate to as well. I believed that this was true because I wanted it to be true.

I wanted to fall in love with a vengeance unlike any other I had ever experienced. My life was in shambles. There was no easy solution. The best circumstances I could imagine at the time involved a charming man on a white horse (or similarly symbolic mode of transportation) swooping in to pull me out of the dark depths to which my life had sank and into a safe, happy bubble of blissful romance.

But in 2009 I did not fall in love. I went on a few dates (but, to my surprise, promptly pulled away as soon as things started to get even a bit emotional). I spent an inordinate amount of time with my ex, who despite his multitude of wonderful qualities, is decidedly not the one for me. But nowhere, at no point, in no way did I, in 2009, fall in love.

Now to some, this may seem a bit depressing. It may reek of loneliness and desperation and cold nights spent at home with no one but my cat to keep me company. But the fact that I did not fall in love this year is, in retrospect, the best thing that's ever happened to me (and I swear I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better).

In January of 2009, I hopped on a plane, for the first time in five years, to visit my dad in California, at the time, a further distance than I had ever traveled. And this seemingly small, inconsequential action set off a chain reaction that consumed and ignited and took charge of my life for the entire rest of the year. This week-long vacation set in motion a chain of events which pulled and compelled me towards bigger and greater and more outrageous outcomes than I had previously ever dreamed myself capable of.

Shortly after this trip, I was asked to leave the job that I would not allow myself to admit that I hated. I then, spent the money from my settlement check on a vacation to puerto rico, supplementing my income with a job that was neither serious, nor enduring. I left that job just in time to take advantage of a new opportunity, which ultimately led me on a cross-country adventure to a new home in a new place that one year ago today, I had never even visited.

In the past year, I have more than made up for the five years in which I did not fly. I've been back and forth and all around this country so many times it makes me dizzy to think about it. I've seen things in person that I had previously only imagined. I've seen things in myself that I had previously only imagined; a newfound sense of independence, bravery, determination. I've created a home for myself in a brand new place, complete with friends and pets and a job, rather than letting my home and my friends and my job create me. And I like myself a million times better because of it.
No, this year was not ecstatic every single second. It was no easy ride down the side of a rainbow. It was hard. It was fucking terrifying. It was heartbreaking. But in the end, it was so worth it I cannot even explain.
So, I'm happy to report, now that it's all said and done, 2009 was NOT the year that I found true love. Instead, I found something better. I found myself. And as for my love life...there's always 2010.

love always

i live here now

so i think it pretty much goes without saying that since i made it to LA, i am now in my final destination: sf bay area. i feel like i ought to apologize for not updating in a while, but if you can possibly imagine moving 3000 miles away from the only place you've ever lived......
it's been complete madness.
i've been living here for about a month and a half now and it still does not feel like home. i'm not really sure if it ever will. i am homesick a large portion of the time. i miss my family, my friends, the corners and smells and flavors of the place i'm from. at the same time, i feel like i can't really go back, at least not yet. it's kinda like i'm trapped in some strange purgatorial no-man's-land and i'm not quite sure how to get out of it and into that place where i live somehwere again.

as much as i thought, upon making the decision to come out here, that the bay area was all rainbows and sunshine and crunchy, granola-y goodness, i've realized that like any other place, it has it's dark side too. I'm living in oakland, in an amazing beautiful house that was once featured in a magazine, on a tree lined street in what looks to be a charming little neighborhood, but just last week as my downstairs neighbor's friend was walking to her car, she had a gun pointed in her face and was forced to hand over her keys to some random stranger who couldn't even figure out how to start her car and ended up just running away, but still, that shit is pretty scary.

i have had two terrible nightmares since i got here and both of them sperately were some of the most unsettling i can ever remember having in the entirety of my life. sometimes the combined forces of working every single day at a job that seems like it will never be finished, plus getting lost all the time and not knowing where things are, and just the unfathomable weight of being totally and completely alone out here makes me think i might be lossing my shit for real this time.

but there are good days too. red velvet cake is pretty trendy out here. i've seen it in a few different incarnations, as cupcakes, sheetcakes, etc. it's all good with me and it makes it kinda hard to stay despondent for too long. the mocha's here are infinitely better than in ct. almost everyone eats their veggies. berkeley bowl trumps whole foods by like, a landslide. one day i managed to run all my errands without the assistance of my gps and i felt really proud and accomplished.

i live with two of the sweetest, most congenial people one could ever hope to meet and also the most adorably goofy yet well-trained boxer in the world. sometimes i get angsty and spend too much time in my room and forget to take advantage of them. i also have the privilege of working with the downest chick that ever lived and she has taken me on some fun adventures to haunted houses and fancy ice-cream shops. the other day we went to ikea and then ate hot dogs, which was really fun. she likes to make fun of twilight as much as i do, which when i really think about it makes all this moving shit almost worth it. her roommates are really rad too.

what i haven't been doing is taking pictures or documenting. i mean, i can barely remember how to breathe sometimes, but even though this is all kind of confusing and uncomfortable, i have a feeling that when it's all said and done, i'll still want to remember it.

love always

my heart will always live here

this past week has been exactly everything i could've asked for when leaving the place i grew up. it was like all the things i love about being here happened in rapid succession, like the finale at the fireworks display. i will try my best to show you:
rose-petal-lychee-tini and cucumber martini at koji

tavern classic and truffle fries at plan b

mmm, cherries....

chicken tacos

vietnamese iced coffee

the durham fair, a ct classic

trade shows every two seconds

and of course every hug, every sad goodbye, every last second i got to spend with all the folks i love. see you all at xmas!

love always

goodbye middletown, hello berkeley

I've been holding off on posting because my mind as of late, has been occupied with some pretty huge news which i was not entirely certain would be a sure thing, but now it's official; i have been offered an amazing position with a large, respectable company in berkeley, and i will be moving to the bay area in approximately two weeks!!!!!!
as anyone would expect, i have a multitude of intense, deep-seeded, hard to decipher feelings regarding this change. i think it's been fairly obvious for quite some time that the small town i live in is not exactly the right place for me. that does not stop me however from feeling deeply attached to it, as well all the people who live here and who have shared and shaped my life for the past twenty-four years. there are aspects of being here which i will miss profoundly.

but as we all know, when one door closes, another inevitably opens and i cannot think of another place in the world where i would rather begin anew than the beautiful bay area. i hope that everyone who i was close with here in middletown will take the opportunity to come visit me in my new home and see exactly why i've become so enamored with this particular corner of the universe.

right now, it feels as if i've got one foot on the east coast and one on the west, as i search for new roommates, pack my old things and attempt to spend as much time as possible with the people whom i care about before i have to say goodbye. it is decidedly bitersweet; heart-wrenching, exciting, intoxicating, humbling, terrifying all at once, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is totally and completely right.
i searched for jobs high and low, on the east coast and the west and none, not one, worked out until this opportunity came along and showed me where i need to be. i had been sort of half-heartedly hoping to move west since i lost that evil job of which we no longer speak, but somehow the powers that be must have heard the half of my heart that wanted this and decided it was the right half because i literally could not have afforded to stay here even if i wanted to and when i visited berkeley a few days ago, i felt for the first time in years, at home in my own life.
middletown will always be my hometown and one of the best in the enitre world, simply because there are so many people here who have been so worth loving to the fullest extent of my ability. i promise to stay in touch and visit often and i hope you all know that i'll be keeping you with me, as close to my heart as possible as i embark on this new adventure.

love always

bring on the karma baby!

on the 21st of this month, there's supposed to be a huge solar eclipse. the longest of the 21st century! unfortunately, all us middletown folk will not be able to see it. it will be visible only to people living in china or the pacific ocean, who i am now insanely jealous of.
according to penny thornton whose horoscopes i follow obsessively on astrolutely , "eclipsed new moons bring new beginnings, which is an entirely positive process, however, the way those new beginnings come in could be disturbing. if you go along with the notion of karma- the spiritual law of cause and effect- you might like to think of eclipses as karmic points- periods in which the harvest of past actions is reaped, and the seeds of of future events are sown."
normally this sort of proclamation would send me into a panic, obsessing over every little thing i've done wrong and wondering in what awful ways god would choose to smite me, but for some reason, i'm cool with it. when i look back at my past actions, i feel pretty happy. i'm no angel, but especially recently, i think i've run my life with a fair bit of integrity, grace and compassion. i may have had my ups and downs, but i've worked really hard to not betray myself and that, i think is what makes for the best karma.

love always

daddy's day

every year on father's day, i make my father dinner. i drive up to his apartment with my car full of groceries and force him to gorge himself on the type of greasy, bad-for-you fare that he normally attempts to stay away from. only this year, i can't. i can't make my dad dinner on father's day because he is no longer just a car ride away. he's in a strange and distant land otherwise known as california. so, while everyone i know is planning some sort of grand tribute to their fathers (or their baby's fathers), i'm left wishing that i got to spend father's day with my daddy.
you know how some people grew up taking their father's for granted? i never really had that problem. with a father like mine, that would be kind of impossible. my dad was everything a dad was supposed to be; practicing softball with me when i wanted to try out for little league, showing up to every single dance recital and school play i was ever in (trust me, there were many), hating on any boys who dared to think they might be good enough to date me. even when my parents split up, my father was never the absent type. he encouraged me, supported me and loved me through every awkward phase and minor drama exactly the way a good father should.
the most important thing my father did for me however, goes far beyond the realm of basic parental nurturing. in short, my father showed me how to live.
my father is, and always has been, a free spirit. never one to conform, he sold drugs in high school and wasted his college years on art. even crazier, he was the only man brave enough to impregnate my mom (she's a crazy bitch, but, you know, the good kind).
the thing is, my father could have so easily fallen into that whole flaky artist/slacker thing that's so common amongst the creative folk, but he didn't. my dad holds a steady, respectable job (i think his official title is evil computer genius), in addition to finding time for more fulfilling pursuits such as teaching pottery to teenagers, going rowing with his girlfriend and learning to speak spanish. and yes, he's still an amazing father, sometimes taking up to ten phone calls a day from my whiny ass.
i'm not saying that he's superman or anything, but my daddy ain't no slouch! he takes his responsibility as a human being very seriously. he operates with a firm concsience and an open heart. he does what he feels is right rather than making excuses to do what he wants when it's wrong. he communicates openly and honestly with the people he loves. and most importantly, he lives passionately, taking risks and daring to love deeply no matter how many times he's been hurt or knocked down.
in a world that can be at times, so harsh and so cold, i feel so infinitely grateful to have been blessed with such a strong male role model. in my most difficult and desperate moments, i look to my father as a reminder that love exists, that people can be good, and that it's possible to live a life outside the norms of society without giving up one's integrity and ambition.
i'm finally coming to a place in my life where i feel happy to be who i am. i look back at all the events that have led me here and i can't help but feel that i owe so much of my progress to my father. nobody else in this world could have raised me the way that he did. even though he's not here for me to say it to in person, i still feel like so lucky to have such an excellent father to honor today.

daddy, i miss you so much today. i wish i could spend father's day with you, but since i can't, my second wish is for you to know that i love you more than words could ever express.
happy father's day!!!!

love always

warning!

i returned home to soggy, rainy connecticut early this morning after spending the past week in puerto rico. i worked a double, with only an hour long break to deposit my check into my empty bank account. i felt a sharp, stabbing pang in my chest everytime i remembered that this time yesterday i was somewhere else. needless to say, i'm a bit melancholy about being here.
the past week was everything a vacation could possibly hope to be; good, bad, rainy, sunny, humid, exhausting, emotional, unreal, exciting, terrifying, frustrating. i have stories to tell, pictures to show, moments to relive. i'm still in the process of digesting it all.
at the moment it seems pretty unlikely that i will want to write about anything besides this trip for what may seem like an unreasonably long time to some of you. for this i appologize in advance and offer up my sincerest hopes that it doesn't get old too quickly.

these are words that i need to write.


love always

this is the lamest recession ever

the recession has finally hit home for me.
i woke up on thursday morning, all set for a super-long day at work. i had accounts to see, and immediately afterwards, a long sales meeting. but then i got a phone call from my boss asking if i could please come to the office a bit early to speak with him. i knew right then that something bad was going to happen.
i tried to get my boss to meet with me earlier. i was anxious and scared and not looking forward to an enire day of shaky anticipation. he refused.
at my last account of the day, i could barely hold my shit together. i rushed out before i had even finished the order, leaving my customer confused and bewildered and tripping over my own feet on the way out.
when i finally made it to my bosses office, they called in my direct supervisor and delivered the blow swiftly.
we've been waiting for you to exhibit certain behaviors that you have not yet exhibited.
you're a nice person, but that's all you are.
we're going to have to let you go.
and the icing on the cake: is there anything you would like to say?
in fact, there were many things i would've liked to say. such as: exactly what beahviors were you waiting for me to exhibit? perhaps if i had magically grown a dick so as to fit in better with the rest of the sales force?
i did not say any of those things. instead, i tried not to cry as i attempted to erase all incriminating evidence from my company issued laptop. eventually, we all agreed that perhaps it would be better if i returned the laptop the next day, after i had a chance to pull myself together.
i drove home in a haze of tears. i screamed into the phone at my mother that no, everything was not fucking okay. i called the customers that i was exceptionally close with and they reasurred me that i would, indeed be missed, and that no, i was not a terrible sales person.
then i sat. i sat and i thought, for a really long time. i thought of how i had spent my birthday this past year sitting in a wine class that failed to teach me anything i did not already know. i thought about the abortion that i had in may because no one wants to buy booze from a pregnant chick. i thought about the new car i had purchased, in order to run my new route, and i wondered how the fuck i would ever make the payment if i were forced to take a pay cut. i waited for some great realization, but it did not come. i could only sit and go over every sacrifice i had made for a job that no longer belonged to me.
it wasn't until later, after i admitted to myself that maybe i shouldn't be alone, and had gone to find comfort at a friends house, that it started to be okay. we were watching some commercial, possibly for apple or some such company. the commercial featured words like innovative, creative, ideas and the future. i used to see commercials like this and feel jealous. for me, those words, that concept, the image that those companies are trying to sell, was a thing of the past.
now, it didn't have to be that way.
i had liked some things about my job. mostly, i liked the fact that i was bringing in good money for a job that felt easy. there were also, however, things about my job that i had hated. things that opressed me. things like when my boss told me that in order to succesfully sell wine, i had to wear darker colors. or like the fact i always felt like i was faking it, and sooner or later, i would be found out. or like the way that during sales meeting my co-workers would always make snide comments like "i guess i have to watch my mouth now that there's a lady in the room."
the bottom line is that i never fit. and in this economy there is no room for an employee who doesn't fit. while this may feel like a bad thing, especially to those of us who no longer have a steady paycheck, i think that there are some positive aspects to the situation as well. it forces us to take a step back and think about where we do fit, where our skills would be the most useful and valued. it forces us to aks ourselves what we can do in this world, for this world, rather than just accepting whichever job pays the most.
personally, i'm excited to no longer be a wine sales rep, because that's not who i am. i am a writer. i am a thinker. i am a fabulous dresser (in brightly colored clothing!). i can do a cartwheel on my elbows, and i also happen to know more about wine than anyone else i know. i know in my heart that somewhere on this earth, there is a job for someone with exactly those qualifications, and now i am free to go find it.
there are people in this world who were born to sell wine. people who sell wine so well that it inspires people. people who sell wine in a way that changes the world. people who are so fucking amazing at selling wine that they should be famous for it. i am not one of those people.
there are also people who are great at other things, and who do those other things in a way that inspires people or changes the world or makes them famous.
now, i get to take my place among them.

love always

surpirse, surprise. i'm sick again....

for the past couple of weeks, i have been on-and-off sick. today and yesterday have been an all-time low. it's hard for me to accept being ill, especially when it means staying home and recuperating and especially in the midst of such an exciting time in my life. what this means is that i've been attempting to go out and live like the healthy, but i'm not quite there. i'm only giving fifty percent. i'm like a zombie, going through all the motions but not really feelin it.

oh, and i'm in bed early. like, really early.

you'd think that all this rest and relaxation would give me a perfect opportunity to sit down and write something, but it hasn't. i'm bored! if anything, this mellow time has only strengthened my resolve to get out and do something. anything. many things. but all of them real, raw and honest.

however, as they say, every grey cloud has a silver lining. so i'd like to give a shot-out to all my silver linings.

like how nice it is to have friends who you feel close enough with that you can temporarily move your sick bed over to their place, and then lay around in your pjs watching movies.

or how good it feels to make up with someone, even though you still disagree with each other, because you love each other enough to not have to agree.

most importantly, finding a sense of comfort in yourself, whether you're sick or not.



love always

this is too good to wait till later

oh my word! the best thing ever has finally happened. mike jones is making a comeback!
my faith in the universe has been restored! i am convinced it is a sign from the heavens that a new era is dawning.
also, i love the new song by soulja boy kiss me through the phone. it is fantastically cheesey that i cannot help myself from becoming hopelessly addicted.

love always

back from the grave

it's been so freaking long since i've updated, but i swear, i have an excuse! i've been sick and cranky and trust me, non one should have to hear from me when i'm in that sort of a state. now, i'm almost all better and i have just one thing to say:
in regards to thursday's abdc episode, thank you god! i am certain that you heard my fervent prayers to have the ringmasters eliminated, and you have so graciously chosen to answer them. all i can do is express my unending gratitude for this small miracle, because watching those dudes was starting to make me nauseous.
yes, despite the fact that i was sick as shit, i did literally jump for joy when they announced that. also, since it was fly khicks that won the battle, i must say, i might be able to tolerate these bitches just a tiny bit more from now on.
other than that, it was a pretty uneventful show, all the crews that are usually good were still good
oh, wait! there was one more thing. the cloggers (dynamic addition) SMASHED IT! THEY SMASHED IT!
granted, mtv did kinda throw them a bone by allowing them to dance to achy-breaky heart, which is totally their favorite song ever, but still, they were pretty freaking flawless. way to go clay aiken!
poor beat freaks! they had to dance to pretty fly for a white guy.

in totally unrelated news, my friend made me watch hancock last night. i was not all that psyched about it, but it actually turned out to be really good. you should totally check it out.

love always