I had a blog before, but I stopped liking it. It was boring, confining, less than authentic. Those of you who know me are aware of how much authenticity I require. Actually, authenticity is a pussy word. I require brutal honesty. Nothing but the realest.
So, I made this new blog where, I imagined, I'd be brutally honest. I would stick to writing about the things that I love, but I would do so without fear, or hesitation and with a level of candour previously unheard of in the blogging world. And then, I didn't. I promptly resorted back to my old ways, deleting millions of posts before I even finished writing them for fear of pissing someone off or creating an image for myself that might not be so complementary. Old habits die hard, I guess.
But it's not working for me. I need to say what I feel, and I need to say it with faith in my heart that no matter how ugly I am capable of being, what lies at my center is good, and worthwhile. I've got a point to make and I need to stop being scared to make it.
Take this week for example. I didn't write a thing. Not a single thing. I didn't have time to take a picture Actually, I did take some pictures, but then I promptly left my camera in Ashley's car. It's been one of those weeks. My day job feels like an abusive relationship. My relationship ran away to Canada. My friends all moved, or are busy, or tired and when they're not, I'm fucking tired, and in the midst of this I keep managing to prove to myself again and again that I have no self control. None whatsoever.
Look at me falling apart at the seams!
No, really. Look:
This is me, at home in my bed. I'm not wearing any makeup and my hair looks like shit because I went to the gym and got all sweaty and was too lazy to wash it. My eyes look like death because I've been drinking too much and everyone knows that sleeping when you're drunk is like not sleeping at all.
Still, I'm happy to be at home. I'm happy that I finally managed to find time for a workout. I'm happy that I seem to have hit some sort of rock bottom. Now, I will curl up here for a few days and sleep. And when I'm done, trust. I'll come back brighther than ever. I'm really much better at this brutal stuff than I've ever cared to admit.
