the recession has finally hit home for me.
i woke up on thursday morning, all set for a super-long day at work. i had accounts to see, and immediately afterwards, a long sales meeting. but then i got a phone call from my boss asking if i could please come to the office a bit early to speak with him. i knew right then that something bad was going to happen.
i tried to get my boss to meet with me earlier. i was anxious and scared and not looking forward to an enire day of shaky anticipation. he refused.
at my last account of the day, i could barely hold my shit together. i rushed out before i had even finished the order, leaving my customer confused and bewildered and tripping over my own feet on the way out.
when i finally made it to my bosses office, they called in my direct supervisor and delivered the blow swiftly.
we've been waiting for you to exhibit certain behaviors that you have not yet exhibited.you're a nice person, but that's all you are.we're going to have to let you go.and the icing on the cake:
is there anything you would like to say?in fact, there were many things i would've liked to say. such as:
exactly what beahviors were you waiting for me to exhibit? perhaps if i had magically grown a dick so as to fit in better with the rest of the sales force?i did not say any of those things. instead, i tried not to cry as i attempted to erase all incriminating evidence from my company issued laptop. eventually, we all agreed that perhaps it would be better if i returned the laptop the next day, after i had a chance to pull myself together.
i drove home in a haze of tears. i screamed into the phone at my mother that no, everything was not fucking okay. i called the customers that i was exceptionally close with and they reasurred me that i would, indeed be missed, and that no, i was not a terrible sales person.
then i sat. i sat and i thought, for a really long time. i thought of how i had spent my birthday this past year sitting in a wine class that failed to teach me anything i did not already know. i thought about the abortion that i had in may because no one wants to buy booze from a pregnant chick. i thought about the new car i had purchased, in order to run my new route, and i wondered how the fuck i would ever make the payment if i were forced to take a pay cut. i waited for some great realization, but it did not come. i could only sit and go over every sacrifice i had made for a job that no longer belonged to me.
it wasn't until later, after i admitted to myself that maybe i shouldn't be alone, and had gone to find comfort at a friends house, that it started to be okay. we were watching some commercial, possibly for apple or some such company. the commercial featured words like
innovative, creative, ideas and
the future. i used to see commercials like this and feel jealous. for me, those words, that concept, the image that those companies are trying to sell, was a thing of the past.
now, it didn't have to be that way.
i had liked some things about my job. mostly, i liked the fact that i was bringing in good money for a job that felt easy. there were also, however, things about my job that i had hated. things that opressed me. things like when my boss told me that in order to succesfully sell wine, i had to wear darker colors. or like the fact i always felt like i was faking it, and sooner or later, i would be found out. or like the way that during sales meeting my co-workers would always make snide comments like "i guess i have to watch my mouth now that there's a lady in the room."
the bottom line is that i never fit. and in this economy there is no room for an employee who doesn't fit. while this may feel like a bad thing, especially to those of us who no longer have a steady paycheck, i think that there are some positive aspects to the situation as well. it forces us to take a step back and think about where we do fit, where our skills would be the most useful and valued. it forces us to aks ourselves what we can do in this world, for this world, rather than just accepting whichever job pays the most.
personally, i'm excited to no longer be a wine sales rep, because that's not who i am. i am a writer. i am a thinker. i am a fabulous dresser (in brightly colored clothing!). i can do a cartwheel on my elbows, and i also happen to know more about wine than anyone else i know. i know in my heart that somewhere on this earth, there is a job for someone with exactly those qualifications, and now i am free to go find it.
there are people in this world who were born to sell wine. people who sell wine so well that it inspires people. people who sell wine in a way that changes the world. people who are so fucking amazing at selling wine that they should be famous for it. i am not one of those people.
there are also people who are great at other things, and who do those other things in a way that inspires people or changes the world or makes them famous.
now, i get to take my place among them.
love always
