oh the weather outside is frightful

which means that it's time for me to face the awful truth about what happened on abdc this week. i will do my best to keep my cool while relaying this sad series of events.
first of all, i could tell it was gonna be a shitshow when they started off with an opening number. the opening number on abdc signifies the start of many bad decisions. among them, the decision to eliminate fish 'n' chicks in the first season, which takes the cake for my most devastating abdc moment ever. in traditional opening number fashion, the choreography was beyond cheesy. it literally hurt my eyes to watch.
after the opening number came a really sweet performance by quest crew, during which i came to an important realization about why i like this crew so much. have you ever seen the movie hook? if you haven't, please watch it immediately. if you have, you'll feel me on this. quest crew is the new incarnation of the lost boys. d-trix even has the same hairdo as rufio.

after quest crew, beatfreaks went off!!!! again. seriously ladies, spice it up a bit. at this rate, you're gonna win the show- no contest. now, where's the fun in that?

here's where the trouble starts.
strikers all-stars and fly khicks are in the bottom two. i was cool with fly khicks when they beat the ringmasters but since then, they've been in the bottom three motherfucking times! doesn't that tell you something?

strikers had it tough. they were given a shitty song (pose by daddy yankee), and then asked to emulate the video, which is miles away from the type of dance they normally do. so to begin with, the boys are out of their element. then, in the middle of the routine my boyfriend mike (you know, the one who ditched obama for mtv) fucks up and does this ridiculous spinny airplane move because he can't find his place. the judges give him hell for it. then, right before they cut to break, they show him backstage pacing around, totally freaked that he just screwed the whole thing up for his crew.
you can already tell this is going to end badly.
at this point, i'm praying for strikers. hoping that fly khicks at least get a shitty song too, you know, to level the playing field. of course they don't.
they get pon de replay by rihanna, and then they show them backstage talking about how they have to wind like rihanna. winding? really? i came out of the womb knowing how to wind, and that's their challenge?
so, the girls come out and wind flawlessly, as if that's actually a difficult thing to do. during the judges commentary shane is like "yo, you dance like my sister buffy." my point exactly shane.

then there's this whole thing about how fly khicks is getting back to their roots by wearing baggy jeans. alright, listen bitches, the only thing i have ever seen you wear is booty shorts and bras. even with your baggy jeans you're wearing bras. could you please try to be beatfreaks just a little harder. maybe while you're at it you could take some dance lessons.

i think you already know what happens next.
when they announce that the judges chose to keep fly khicks instead of strikers, the girl stading in the front for fly khicks is like "what?!". even they were dumbfounded that they got to stay.
meanwhile, poor baby mike from strikers is biting his lip trying so hard not to cry on national tv. seriously though mike, i just want you to know, everyone messes up, and you are still a truly fine specimen of a man. if you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.
actually, i was getting a bit teary myself. the idea that i have to look at fly khicks again for another week is truly devastating to me. i swear to god if they make it into the top two, i'm breaking up with abdc.
then again, i think i say that every season.

love always