seasons change but people don't

The other night I was laying in bed, after a deadly combination of red wine and white russians, and I had a thought that sent me absolutely crazy! Like batshit, I tell you! The thought was this: I am currently missing fall on the East Coast!

This has never, ever happened to me before! It almost came pretty close to happening last year, as I was preparing to move cross country with little more than a week's notice, but I stretched out my time at home, opting to drive faster and longer days so I could squeeze more time out of my last autumn.

weheartit

Like many New Englanders, autumn is my favorite season, and it's not just because of all that beautiful fall foliage we're so famous for (although it is insane, I promise you). There's something about the air. The way it smells (crushed leaves and bonfires), the way it feels (crisp and cool, almost brittle). For a brief moment in time, having to wear a scarf and a hoodie feels downright romantic.

weheartit

Fall in New England is fair season. I know I'm corny for it, but I absolutely love fairs. The Durham Fair is my personal favorite, although the big E is impressive and unbelievable in it's tackiness, and runs a close second.Here's the worst part about my mini-obsession with the Durham Fair: I never even go on any rides. Nor do I play games, or look at handmade candles and dream catchers. I go there for one thing and one thing only; the food. Fair food is hands down, my favorite, favorite guilty pleasure. Must haves at the Durham Fair include strawberry shortcake, clam chowder in a bread bowl, and a ginormous bag of kettle corn, and if you go to the big E, for the love of god, eat a cream puff!

weheartit

Fall in New England is also apple season. I mean, I'm sure it's apple season here, too, but I don't think California has quite the wealth of apples as a place like CT, and even if they did, they most certainly do not have Lyman Orchards, where you can get an apple cider and a cider donut and then, maybe even go on a hayride (do they still do that?) with a bunch of bratty, dirty kids. The best thing though, about Lyman's is the way their apples taste, straight off the tree. Simultaneously juicy and crunchy and altogether perfect.

weheartit

It breaks my heart to think that children in California have never spent an afternoon raking leaves in their yard and then jumping into the piles, running around smelling like damp earth with twigs in their hair.
If I had my way, for my birthday, I'd take all the people I love who live here and put them on a plane to meet up with all the people I love back home, and then we'd go have a bonfire in the woods, just like when I was 17.
I guess I'm just feeling homesick. Waxing poetic about the east coast and forgetting that after fall comes winter, which is bitter cold and, after Christmas, completely unbearable. I've heard rumors that the West Coast has it's fair share of fall activities, too. Harvest festivals and haunted houses. The air here at this of year feels warmer, but not altogether different. There's still that sense of changing seasons, some things ending, others just beginning. Who knows, maybe ten years from now, I'll be looking back here longingly, thinking how much I loved spending fall in the bay area.

weheartit

But for now, I'm feeling bittersweet. Almost enjoying the way my heart aches for what feels like home. There's something special about being here and missing there. When I was younger and the feeling of loss was a relatively new sensation, I would always go to my father with my troubles, bemoaning how much it hurt. "So let it hurt," he would say, "That's how you know it meant something."

love always

it's all about me, me, me, me, me!

when i was in something like sixth grade, i had this shirt from contempo casuals that said worship me like the goddess i am. it was pink and adorable. the only problem was that the words were written in this elaborate cursive scrawl that was a bit hard to make out and so people would always come up to me and be like "who's the goddess jam? i never heard of her..." and i'd just be like "duh, loser, it says 'worship me the like the goddess i am' so, you know, get on your knees bitch"

i'm not even exagerating. i was like that all the time as a preteen, and most of the time as a full-blown teen as well. then, something happened. call it whatever you want. getting lame. getting old. getting a conciense. one day, i just went too far and i hurt someone who i cared about and all of a sudden i became aware of other people's feelings, and then the next thing you know, i was taking responsibility for other people's feelings, and soon after that, there was no room left for my own feelings, so i pushed them off to the side and with them went my self-esteem, my lust for life, my faith in god, not to mention my sex-drive, my social life and a whole slew of other things that no longer seemed important. i was being noble. i was being humble. i was doing the right thing .
and eventually i would be rewarded for it
but i wasn't rewarded for it. i don't know what i expected, except maybe for the sky to open up and shower me with blessings, but it sure wasn't happening. even worse, i found that when i neglected my own feelings to pick up the slack for others, they rarely did the same for me. still for some sick reason, i perservered. i was determined to be selfless, because i thought of that as a good thing.
now, i look at that word and it seems so accurate. self less. without my self, there was less of everything. less love. less fun. less faith. the truth is, i ain't no martyr. i do really, genuinely want everyone in the whole world to be happy, but if you gave me a choice between my own hapiness and that of another person, and i made that choice genuinely and from the heart, i'd choose myself, one-hundred percent of the time.
and is that really such a bad thing? i'm not saying that there aren't people who i care about in this world. i'm not saying that there aren't sacrifices worth making. i'm just saying that truly, no sacrifice is worth making if it doesn't eventually contribute to my own hapiness. no person is worth so much of what's mine that there's none left over for me. after all i've been through, the hard truth i've finally learned is that if i abandon myself to care for another, no one's going to pick up the slack for me. if i don't look out for myself, no one else will.

there's a word we generally use for someone who understands this: self-centered. in our culture, we throw this word around like in a derogatory manner, accusing people of being self-centered when we want to guilt them into doing something for us. but if we really look at this word, if we take it apart, we're left with self, as in self esteem, self worth, self actualization, to thine own self be true, and then another word: centered.
doesn't that kind of sound like it'd be better for all of us?

love always

fancy footwork

for some reason they were playing this video at my gym today and i couldn't help but swoon over these amazing moves:

i've had a thing for mr. pop since i was a kid and my momma used to lay in front of the stereo and daydream while listening to candy, which is totally my favorite song ever. in fact, i have this crazy fantasy where i meet my soulmate and the only way i know he's my soulmate is because he knows all the words to that song and we totally sing it together just like in a musical.

R.I.P. M.J.

i was never a huge fan of michael jackson to be honest. when i was a kid, the video for thriller scared the bejesus out of me and i never quite forgave him for that. i do, however, have fond memories of this:

best dance video ever made!!!!!!!!! those who dare to disagree with me can kick rocks.


love always

p.s. - i totally forgot that eddie murphy was in this video, which makes it even better.

i'm such a trendsetter

when i was just a wee lass of about twelve years old, i used to wear a studded dog collar to school. i think it goes without saying that i was teased mercilessly for it. but now, those of you who were doing the teasing can politely raise your hands and bow your heads in shame, because i have the pleasure of announcing that shit is officially in style!
not necessarily the dog collar, but the studs in particular. i've seen them everywhere. on shoes, shirts, bags, earings, you name it. i'm especially pleased about this because it means that i will be spared the embarassment of walking into hot topic just to purchase my studded accesories.
sometimes i get really possesive about fashion statements. like, if i've been rocking a particular style and all of a sudden everyone else is wearing it, i feel kind of jilted. studded accesories however, are one trend that i really don't mind sharing. i seriously love them that much. they are just so classic. i mean, nothing says badass better than the three-row pyramid belt.
the best example of this new trend that i've seen so far are these amazing sandals from urban outfitters. admiteddly, they are pricey as shit, but some things are just worth it.

love always