goodbye.

i can't even remember how many times I've written a post here swearing up and down that I would update this damn thing more often. and just as many times, I've broken that promise. i must confess, it's been a while since this felt like it was truly mine.

this has always been my "personal" blog. meaning that I wrote about personal subjects, but also, that I took it personally. i shared this blog with my friends, my family, my facebook. and you guys all read it! maybe you never commented, but you read it, you sent me texts, asked me when the fuck i'd get around to posting again, and because of that, I continued to write it. for you.

it's been a long time since my first entries in this thing have had anything to do with the person that I am now. i do not look back and cringe, as if wishing I had never been young or stupid or bratty, naive, in love. rather, i look back and feel disconnected.
i go through these phases where I think how much I want to write and I swear that I'm going to start updating this damn thing again, and maybe, just maybe, I can manage to push out three decent posts before the weight of all the baggage i've unloaded here over time becomes crushing and i lose my desire to write at all, because writing here has become a chore and that's never been what this was about.
but i do want to write. if you know me, you know that. i treasure my perspective more than i treasure just about anything else, and i go to great lengths to preserve and maintain it, to not allow it to be muddled or skewed. and I do this because I've always felt it would serve me well one day, and I've just decided that day is happening right now. it's been happening, all around me, for months and i've been ignoring it.
so, i'm not done writing. but I am done writing here. and i'm done writing for any reason other than to honor my perspective in all it's sloppy, vulgar, intense fragility, and if that's not something you think you can handle, than you're entitled to your opinion, but to be frank, I could care less about it. but if you do think you can handle that and maybe that it could even be fun or entertaining or worth five minutes of your time, then you can visit me here in the future.

i still love you, always.