seasons change but people don't

The other night I was laying in bed, after a deadly combination of red wine and white russians, and I had a thought that sent me absolutely crazy! Like batshit, I tell you! The thought was this: I am currently missing fall on the East Coast!

This has never, ever happened to me before! It almost came pretty close to happening last year, as I was preparing to move cross country with little more than a week's notice, but I stretched out my time at home, opting to drive faster and longer days so I could squeeze more time out of my last autumn.

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Like many New Englanders, autumn is my favorite season, and it's not just because of all that beautiful fall foliage we're so famous for (although it is insane, I promise you). There's something about the air. The way it smells (crushed leaves and bonfires), the way it feels (crisp and cool, almost brittle). For a brief moment in time, having to wear a scarf and a hoodie feels downright romantic.

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Fall in New England is fair season. I know I'm corny for it, but I absolutely love fairs. The Durham Fair is my personal favorite, although the big E is impressive and unbelievable in it's tackiness, and runs a close second.Here's the worst part about my mini-obsession with the Durham Fair: I never even go on any rides. Nor do I play games, or look at handmade candles and dream catchers. I go there for one thing and one thing only; the food. Fair food is hands down, my favorite, favorite guilty pleasure. Must haves at the Durham Fair include strawberry shortcake, clam chowder in a bread bowl, and a ginormous bag of kettle corn, and if you go to the big E, for the love of god, eat a cream puff!

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Fall in New England is also apple season. I mean, I'm sure it's apple season here, too, but I don't think California has quite the wealth of apples as a place like CT, and even if they did, they most certainly do not have Lyman Orchards, where you can get an apple cider and a cider donut and then, maybe even go on a hayride (do they still do that?) with a bunch of bratty, dirty kids. The best thing though, about Lyman's is the way their apples taste, straight off the tree. Simultaneously juicy and crunchy and altogether perfect.

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It breaks my heart to think that children in California have never spent an afternoon raking leaves in their yard and then jumping into the piles, running around smelling like damp earth with twigs in their hair.
If I had my way, for my birthday, I'd take all the people I love who live here and put them on a plane to meet up with all the people I love back home, and then we'd go have a bonfire in the woods, just like when I was 17.
I guess I'm just feeling homesick. Waxing poetic about the east coast and forgetting that after fall comes winter, which is bitter cold and, after Christmas, completely unbearable. I've heard rumors that the West Coast has it's fair share of fall activities, too. Harvest festivals and haunted houses. The air here at this of year feels warmer, but not altogether different. There's still that sense of changing seasons, some things ending, others just beginning. Who knows, maybe ten years from now, I'll be looking back here longingly, thinking how much I loved spending fall in the bay area.

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But for now, I'm feeling bittersweet. Almost enjoying the way my heart aches for what feels like home. There's something special about being here and missing there. When I was younger and the feeling of loss was a relatively new sensation, I would always go to my father with my troubles, bemoaning how much it hurt. "So let it hurt," he would say, "That's how you know it meant something."

love always

Best Day Ever!

No, not because Eclipse is finally out today.
Today is my best friend Amy's birthday! 27 years ago today, a miracle occurred and one of the baddest bitches this world will ever see was born. Here, the top five reasons why that makes me so ecstatic:

5. Her sick dance moves!
No disrespect to the king of pop or anything, but now that he's all dead and gone, Amy is officially the only person on the planet who truly knows how to work it out to "Billie Jean". Seriously, if you live in Mtown and you've never experienced this phenomenon in action, go to Amy's house and beat down her door until she agrees to show you her old dance videos. No life is complete without seeing this.

4. She had a baby on my couch!
After an experience like that, how could you not be close?! The way that Erin came into this world is so intense and so magical. I feel privileged to have been a part of it.

3. She is an excellent mother, among other things.

Amy's devotion to her daughter is truly moving. Her comittment to raising her child in a loving and supportive manner is nothing short of exemplary. But Amy's not one to flaunt that. So many of my facebook friends who have children are constantly posting about how much they love their kids, which is sweet and all but it's also kind of a given. Of course you love your kids! Everyone loves their kids! Amy loves her daughter with a fierceness like no other, but that hasn't stopped from doing a number of other amazing things, like finishing her graduate degree and being an all around down ass chick.

2. She's funny as hell!Even in my darkest moments, Amy is one of the few people who can always get me to crack a smile. Her sense of humor is dark, occasionally innapropriate and always hysterical. From telling boys "I already had you!" to joking about beating off with weston corn oil, this bitch always has me dying! Plus, she has one of those awesome laughs that makes everyone else want to laugh too, even though she says it's really a cackle.

1. She's the bestest friend in the whole wide world!
Amy is loyal, almost to a fault. No matter how many times we've lost touch throughout the years, no matter how many bad situations I've dragged her into, she has always come through for me when I needed her. Amy is that chick who will sit and have a deep conversation while you're trying to work out your shit and then drag your ass out dancing and force feed you shots when it's time to move on and get over it. I seriously cannot even count the number of dilemnas I've successfully made it through just because she was there to support me. Despite the face that I live three thousand miles away, she still picks up her phone whenever I'm feeling low, and most of the time, just hearing her voice on the other end makes me feel better automatically.

I love you Amy LaMarre! My life would not be complete without you! I hope you have the best birthday ever because no one deserves it as much as you!

love always

time and space

Finally.....
A moment to breathe.
I wish I could spend all day writing in this thing, telling you about every single one of my fabulous adventures. Alas, I am too busy having them. And also, you know, working and sleeping and doing normal stuff (what a bother!)
I do have to say though, as of late, I believe I have become more adventurous...and more fabulous! Last weekend was a wild dance party on treasure island.

Look at that breathtaking view!!! Look at those palm tress!

Look at that sunshine!Look at my adorable friends! I live in California now! Can you fucking believe it?!

Admittedly, I love it here. Since I moved, I have been happier, healthier, more centered and at the same time, crazier than I ever would have believed possible. Do I think it's because I live in California now? No. Do I think it's because I actually had the balls to pick up my shit and move out here? Do I think it's because I faced down one of my worst fears and actually left the place where I felt safest and most secure? Yes, yes, a million times, yes! The best advice I can give you in this entire life is to find what scares you most and then do it until you're not scared anymore.
With that being said, there is a very special place in my heart that is still entirely owned by lovely little Middletown, Connecticut. I visited a few weeks ago. It was my first time back in six months! I have never before spent that amount of time away from Middletown.There was a part of me that felt, without me there, that it might have just disappeared or vanished into thin air.
But no, of course it was still there. In all it's humid, thunderstorm summertime glory, smelling exactly the same as it did when I was sixteen. And even more amazing, all the people that I love had somehow survived and were just as sweet and warm and cozy as I remembered them.
My Mom, who somehow seems to only get more beautiful as she gets older.
Amy's doll Erin, who somehow became a mini woman since I left home.
Tiffany, who somehow manages to not burst into flames from her perpetual hotness.
Mojo, who somehow got even cuter AND sassier since I saw her last.
And Amy, who somehow always leaves me shocked and awed that any one person could be such a good friend.

So many beautiful, inspiring women! There was a part of me that didn't want to leave these girls, and at the same time, I was starting to miss the bay. What's a girl to do when her heart lives in two places at once? I closed my eyes really tight and made a wish that the town where my heart lives would somehow join forces with the city I am in love with and make a baby, but then I realized, if they did, it would look just like me.
love always

peace out 2009, it's been real

It's hard to believe this past year has actually come to an end. I remember this time one year ago, thinking on my future and wondering where I might be in a year. It was a strange time in my life. I had just come out of a long, hard relationship, suffered a scathing rejection from the first boy I had dated in 4 years, dragged my mother out of the depths of a dark depression and into a brand new condo, which I was living in with her at the time, oh, and I was working a job that I absolutely hated but wasn't quite ready to admit that to myself yet.

In the midst of all this bleakness, I found a ray of hope to latch onto. My horoscopes for the year, every single one, were unanimously predicting that 2009 would be the year that I would find true love. I know what you're thinking "don't all horoscopes say that all the time?" or "why would you put that much faith in astrology?" There are a few different explanations. One is that I am hopelessly obsessed with my horoscope, as you may or not know from past posts. But the other is far more personal, and I'd imagine, easier to relate to as well. I believed that this was true because I wanted it to be true.

I wanted to fall in love with a vengeance unlike any other I had ever experienced. My life was in shambles. There was no easy solution. The best circumstances I could imagine at the time involved a charming man on a white horse (or similarly symbolic mode of transportation) swooping in to pull me out of the dark depths to which my life had sank and into a safe, happy bubble of blissful romance.

But in 2009 I did not fall in love. I went on a few dates (but, to my surprise, promptly pulled away as soon as things started to get even a bit emotional). I spent an inordinate amount of time with my ex, who despite his multitude of wonderful qualities, is decidedly not the one for me. But nowhere, at no point, in no way did I, in 2009, fall in love.

Now to some, this may seem a bit depressing. It may reek of loneliness and desperation and cold nights spent at home with no one but my cat to keep me company. But the fact that I did not fall in love this year is, in retrospect, the best thing that's ever happened to me (and I swear I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better).

In January of 2009, I hopped on a plane, for the first time in five years, to visit my dad in California, at the time, a further distance than I had ever traveled. And this seemingly small, inconsequential action set off a chain reaction that consumed and ignited and took charge of my life for the entire rest of the year. This week-long vacation set in motion a chain of events which pulled and compelled me towards bigger and greater and more outrageous outcomes than I had previously ever dreamed myself capable of.

Shortly after this trip, I was asked to leave the job that I would not allow myself to admit that I hated. I then, spent the money from my settlement check on a vacation to puerto rico, supplementing my income with a job that was neither serious, nor enduring. I left that job just in time to take advantage of a new opportunity, which ultimately led me on a cross-country adventure to a new home in a new place that one year ago today, I had never even visited.

In the past year, I have more than made up for the five years in which I did not fly. I've been back and forth and all around this country so many times it makes me dizzy to think about it. I've seen things in person that I had previously only imagined. I've seen things in myself that I had previously only imagined; a newfound sense of independence, bravery, determination. I've created a home for myself in a brand new place, complete with friends and pets and a job, rather than letting my home and my friends and my job create me. And I like myself a million times better because of it.
No, this year was not ecstatic every single second. It was no easy ride down the side of a rainbow. It was hard. It was fucking terrifying. It was heartbreaking. But in the end, it was so worth it I cannot even explain.
So, I'm happy to report, now that it's all said and done, 2009 was NOT the year that I found true love. Instead, I found something better. I found myself. And as for my love life...there's always 2010.

love always

my heart will always live here

this past week has been exactly everything i could've asked for when leaving the place i grew up. it was like all the things i love about being here happened in rapid succession, like the finale at the fireworks display. i will try my best to show you:
rose-petal-lychee-tini and cucumber martini at koji

tavern classic and truffle fries at plan b

mmm, cherries....

chicken tacos

vietnamese iced coffee

the durham fair, a ct classic

trade shows every two seconds

and of course every hug, every sad goodbye, every last second i got to spend with all the folks i love. see you all at xmas!

love always

retail therapy

i know that the west hartford whole foods has way more stuff, but for some reason, the whole foods in glastonbury is my favorite. it feels somehow warmer. the lighting is less harsh and the merchandising is cleaner. plus, i'm there so often that all the boys who work in produce know me by name. i truly do have a deep, sentimental attachment to the place. it borders on freakish.
in all my moving-out-of-state madness, i felt it was important for me to pay tribute to the place where i've spent such a large majority of my time and money over the last couple years. so, i did what i usually do, which is go to whole foods, buy some stuff and make something.
my purchases. i decided to go with a salad, since i've been eating so much garbage lately (more on that later).

butter lettuce and cilantro

tossed with diced tomato, raw corn kernels, black beans, diced poblano pepper, and finely chopped onion. plus, a dressing made of fage, a bit of honey, some chipotle in adobo and lime juice.

i topped it all off with some diced aguacate for richness. you could also add some shredded cheddar or crumbled bacon, but like i said, i've been eating trash all week.

this is totally one of my favorite salads ever. it tastes really good and everything in it is really clean and good for you. i know that i'll still be able to make it once i move, but the fact that it comes from my original, hometown grocery store, makes it extra-special in my opinion.

love always

goodbye middletown, hello berkeley

I've been holding off on posting because my mind as of late, has been occupied with some pretty huge news which i was not entirely certain would be a sure thing, but now it's official; i have been offered an amazing position with a large, respectable company in berkeley, and i will be moving to the bay area in approximately two weeks!!!!!!
as anyone would expect, i have a multitude of intense, deep-seeded, hard to decipher feelings regarding this change. i think it's been fairly obvious for quite some time that the small town i live in is not exactly the right place for me. that does not stop me however from feeling deeply attached to it, as well all the people who live here and who have shared and shaped my life for the past twenty-four years. there are aspects of being here which i will miss profoundly.

but as we all know, when one door closes, another inevitably opens and i cannot think of another place in the world where i would rather begin anew than the beautiful bay area. i hope that everyone who i was close with here in middletown will take the opportunity to come visit me in my new home and see exactly why i've become so enamored with this particular corner of the universe.

right now, it feels as if i've got one foot on the east coast and one on the west, as i search for new roommates, pack my old things and attempt to spend as much time as possible with the people whom i care about before i have to say goodbye. it is decidedly bitersweet; heart-wrenching, exciting, intoxicating, humbling, terrifying all at once, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is totally and completely right.
i searched for jobs high and low, on the east coast and the west and none, not one, worked out until this opportunity came along and showed me where i need to be. i had been sort of half-heartedly hoping to move west since i lost that evil job of which we no longer speak, but somehow the powers that be must have heard the half of my heart that wanted this and decided it was the right half because i literally could not have afforded to stay here even if i wanted to and when i visited berkeley a few days ago, i felt for the first time in years, at home in my own life.
middletown will always be my hometown and one of the best in the enitre world, simply because there are so many people here who have been so worth loving to the fullest extent of my ability. i promise to stay in touch and visit often and i hope you all know that i'll be keeping you with me, as close to my heart as possible as i embark on this new adventure.

love always

holy hangover!!!!!!

last night was steff's birthday party! And......
i can't tell you much more about it because within like, the first hour i got stupid drunk off of a combination of red wine, spiked punch, beer and sweet tea vodka. yum!
i did however, discover that apparently people actually check this thing! so i'd like to take a moment and appreciate my loyal readers

the amazing thing about this picture is that vinnie was looking away when i took it, but somehow managed to look back and vogue for me as soon as he saw the flash.

and of course, the lovely amy who also gets her nails did at palm nails.

thanks for reading guys!


love always

lifestyles of the young and reckless

i had such a fabulous weekend this past weekend, that i kept waking up in the middle of the night on sunday, just to mourn the fact that it was over.

as i mentioned before, my weekend started with an extensive sherry tasting on friday, accompanied by assorted spanish treats, such as marcona almonds, serrano ham, and the most amazing garlicky olives ever. the tasting was led by a seriously charming spaniard, who simultaneously had a british and spanish accent. technically, this event was a "sales meeting", but halfway through it, i was feeling so light and fuzzy that i drunk-texted everyone i was mad at, and made up with them right then and there.



post sherry extravaganza, i napped, bubble-bathed and pretty much luxuriated in every way possible, so i woke feeling happy and refreshed on saturday morning. i hit the gym to burn off some of those extra pork-fat calories, and then treated myself (along with heater and her adorable daughter) to a delicious lunch of fresh spring rolls, coconut soup, and spicy-steak salad. afterwards, heather suggested that we go shopping at marshalls, where i picked up three pairs of the cutest sunglasses i've ever seen, including these bad boys:















i also got a pair of professional looking, black kors pants, a sheer white tee, a pink, halter-top bubble dress, sexy boyfriend jeans, and tweed pants from the limited in their cassidy fit, which is my fav. as we were ringing up our purchases, i realized i was late for my hair appointment, so i hightailed it to the angry chair , where i got the best haircut/dye job ever, courtesy of dan, who's a real cutie. check it:





when i arrived home from the salon a million hours later, there was a dinner party in full swing at my humble abode. i spent the evening eating delicious food and having some very entertaining conversation with just a few of my most favorite people.



i woke up early on sunday and just barely managed to make it to the gym again, before i had to help sarah shop for her super-bowl party. we then went back to her house and proceeded to make quacamole, buffalo wings with bleu cheese dip, some really tasty snack mix, artichoke dip and ceasar-deviled eggs. steff and vinnie arrived around 4 with yet another dip, one of my favorites, cream cheese, chilli and melted cheddar. we started pouring pink punch and before i knew it, i was once again in a food/booze induced stupor. unfortunately, all the fabulocity became a bit overwhelming and i had to call it an early night before the super-bowl even ended (not that i was paying attention to it anyway).



i then fell into a fitful sleep and dreamed of being on a permanent vacation....

and the moral of the story is.......

i had a dream that reminded me of my vacation, and i woke up and realized that maybe i ought to wrap it up so i can write about something else.
the last couple days i had in california were much more mellow. i went to ironstone winery, hung out with my family, ate some good food, including thai spaghetti and meatballs, which was really bizarre. on friday, the day before i got home i got really sad, whether this was because i didn't want to leave or because i was dreading flying home in the middle of a freaking snow storm, i'm not entirely sure. either way, i felt very emotional.
actually, during my whole trip i felt pretty intensely emotional. there is something about being that far away from home that makes me feel vulnerable and anxious. i'm really attached to everything i surround myself with here, in connecticut, but what if i had a choice? what if i could choose to go somewhere else and get attached to a different set of things? maybe even a better set of things?
so this is the direction my thoughts have been taking since i've been home. just how much do i wanna stay in this cozy little box i've made for myself? the world is bigger than i thought, and i haven't even left the country yet.

love always

why must YOU cry? i mean really, stop it....

i've been in kind of a rut lately. nothing too serious (although, i promise you, at times, it feels serious). just your typical quarter-life crisis, i-feel-like-i-sold-my-soul-because-i-work-in-a-semi-coprporate environment type shit. i've asked countless people about how i should go about fixing this, and everyone has answered in a typical fashion.


find a hobby.


the thing is, i have plenty of hobbies. i write. i collect vintage. i read with obsessive fervor, but these are all solitary things to do, and what i'm craving more than anything is a feeling of connectedness, of teamwork. so, i began scanning craigslist looking for a group creative endeavor. anyone who has ever read craigslist in connecticut knows that the majority of posts basically say "i'm looking for a teenage model to come to house so i can date-rape her" and for quite some time my search was fruitless.


then, i saw the ad for gold fangs (yeah, for real)


this guy had posted numerous times before searching for actors and actresses for a short film in my area. i had never payed attention for whatever reason, but the idea of gold fucking fangs was too much for me to ignore. to be honest, the fantasy going on in my head was somewhere between the never-ending story and interview with the vampire (because the twilight vamps don't have fangs).


so i sent out an e-mail, expecting to get a response from some dorky film student about the sci-fi fantasy flick he was creating. i figured that at the very least, i might be able to meet some hot nerdy boys whose virginty i could steal, but no, oh no, my life does not work that way.


instead i received an e-mail from reh dogg, who according to an article in our local newspaper, won some award for the worst you-tube video of the year. i can only imagine the fierce competition he was facing for that coveted title. after watching it though, i guarantee you, this man deserved it. (if you are in need of some serious lulz, go check it out, it's called "why must i cry)


then, reh dogg follows up with an e-mail inviting me to view some of his work, including the gold fangs movie which i was so damn psyched about. seriously people, words could not do it justice.

at a certain point i just had to accept that god is playing a cruel joke on me, but it's a good joke, and i have no choice but to keep laughing.

love always

a moment of silence please

i feel that it's absolutely neccesary for me to pay my respects to the linguine bolognese at amici's. i order it every fucking time i go out to dinner there. the insane thing about it is that it tastes so good that i can't stop eating it, no matter how full i am. consequently, i always end up shitting my brains out the next day.
but, oh man, it is sooo worth it.

love always

north end mexican

here is the best advice i can give you:
go out and get super-trashed with your friends. you don't have to throw up, but make sure you have a hangover the next day. once you are good and hungover, head over to iguanas ranas taqueria on main street and order a torta. watching your hangover dissapear more completely with every bite that you take of this amazing culinary creation is seriously the most satisyingly grimey experience you will ever have.
the torta is a mexican sandwich, and there are only two words in the world which can adequately describe it: huge and delicious. they serve it on the most ginormous roll i've ever laid eyes on, and then they fill it up with as much shit as they can possibly fit on it. refried black beans, your choice of meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, salsa fresca and chipotle mayonaisse.
you won't finish it, i promise, but you will try because once you taste this most amazing of sandwiches you will never want to do anything else besides eat it, all day, every day.
also, the gorditas and tamales are kick-ass.

love always