um, wtf, i'm really confused. i thought that twilight was supposed to be about sparkly, angsty abstinence. now that the dvd's about to come out, i feel like it's turning all sodom and gomorrah on me.
like the other day, steff and i went to hot topic to buy green hair extensions for st. patrick's day, and the guy at the checkout totally tried to hard-sell me on pre-ordering the dvd so i could get an invitation to the exclusive hot topic twilight release party. when i told him that i didn't want to be the oldest person there he got all defensive and said i'd be surprised how many people my age would be there. i still declined, politely i might add, but then his friend jumped in and said that i'd be missing out because there was gonna be a ventriloquist there with an edward puppet.
i've been having nightmares ever since.
then, i saw a preview of one of the deleted scenes on the dvd, and it's so awkwardly sexual that i felt like i was watching a porno. basically what happens is, bella's all like "hey edward, want a taste?", then she proceeds to finger-bang his mouth while he tries not to eat her fucking hand off. that shit isn't even right.
then, worst of all, i heard about how edward ( i mean robert pattinson) plays salvador dali in a gay porn.
wait, what? was dali even gay?
i'm alternately dying to see it and trembling in fear.
seriously though, does anyone else find it ironic that stephanie meyer's horny, mormon ass accidentally created such a sexual phenomenon?
love always
Showing posts with label twilight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twilight. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
i am a sucker for all things fluffy
in regards to yesterday's post
the new weetzie bat was.....
just like the old weetzie bat.
weetzie ends up with my secret agent lover man (who is now called max, weird) even though he is a total buzzkill, but first there's lots of magical stuff. i think the last three lines of this book may in fact be the same last three lines from i was a teenage fairy
that being said, of course i loved it. it was great fun. there was creepy hermaphrodites, mermaids, elf-babies, goat boys, a spider-woman, a flying bride and yes, tons of hot clothes and delicious food to keep me drooling the whole way through.
but dude, witch baby shaved her head. that is so not even right. now all of us girls who loved her because we shared her tangly hair are left out in the cold, with no snarly-headed fictional heroines to relate to (except hermione, but she doesn't count because her hair is flat in the movies).
speaking of movies, i would love to see this book as a movie. baz luhrman should totally direct it, and robert pattinson would have to play the hot goat boy. i swear they were gonna make a dangerous angels movie, or was that just in the book?
in any case, it was pretty fab. unanashedly feminine, fashion-focused, and fantastical. i did not discover any hidden secrets about how to kiss better, or retain my youthful spunk well into adulthood, but i was quite inspired by weetzie's sparkly sense of style.
do y'all think pink vintage chanel qualifies as professional attire?
love always
the new weetzie bat was.....
just like the old weetzie bat.
weetzie ends up with my secret agent lover man (who is now called max, weird) even though he is a total buzzkill, but first there's lots of magical stuff. i think the last three lines of this book may in fact be the same last three lines from i was a teenage fairy
that being said, of course i loved it. it was great fun. there was creepy hermaphrodites, mermaids, elf-babies, goat boys, a spider-woman, a flying bride and yes, tons of hot clothes and delicious food to keep me drooling the whole way through.
but dude, witch baby shaved her head. that is so not even right. now all of us girls who loved her because we shared her tangly hair are left out in the cold, with no snarly-headed fictional heroines to relate to (except hermione, but she doesn't count because her hair is flat in the movies).
speaking of movies, i would love to see this book as a movie. baz luhrman should totally direct it, and robert pattinson would have to play the hot goat boy. i swear they were gonna make a dangerous angels movie, or was that just in the book?
in any case, it was pretty fab. unanashedly feminine, fashion-focused, and fantastical. i did not discover any hidden secrets about how to kiss better, or retain my youthful spunk well into adulthood, but i was quite inspired by weetzie's sparkly sense of style.
do y'all think pink vintage chanel qualifies as professional attire?
love always
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
next time, i'm upgrading to first class
i swore that when i got to california i was going to write every single day, and of course i've been here 3 days and i haven't even written a word. it's not that i'm being lazy, it's just that there's too much to do! i'm beyond overwhelmed. i do however, feel that it's really important for me to document this stuff. i just need some time to process it all.
Like for example, the plane ride was so fucking traumatic that i had to wait a few days before i could even think about it again. what happened was, i left connecticut at noon for laguardia, and i didn't even arrive in sacramento until 1 am cali time (which is 4am CT time). So, yes, if you did the math, i spent sixteen hours traveling and it was HELL! The ride up to laguardia wasn't bad. we stopped for food and took our time. laguardia itself wasn't that bad either, although all they had in the bookstore was twilight so i had to read eclipse again, but even that was fine. the trouble started when i was actually all the way on the plane and we were taking off.
it's been five years since the last time i had flown prior to this, and i don't know if my body changed or if i just forgot, but holy mother of god, i hate flying. all the bizarre changes in pressure, the fact that the airplane seat is barely large enough to seat a five year old, plus my fear of heights as i watched new york city turn into this tiny speck of glitter, all of that together made me so sick that i literally had a panic attack in midair when i realized that i had to do it all over again once i got on my connecting flight.
and of course, the connecting flight was delayed, because, get this, someone on the plane before me had a medical emergency and they had to do an emergency landing at a hospital. i truly hope that whoever that was is feeling better and getting the best care they possibly can, but honestly, how often does that happen? my guess is only when i'm flying. so, the flight was delayed and the continental people were being total assholes about it, refusing to answer anyone's questions about when our flight was coming in, or what gate we were leaving from. i called everyone i know and cried about how i'd never leave the houston airport, and i'd be stuck there forever and then, we finally got on the plane and this jackass asked me to switch seats with his daughter so she sit closer to him and i felt bad, so i said yes and then i ended sitting next to a fat man in an aisle seat. at that point i gave up and ate one of the klonopin that my mom gave me and attempted to sleep through it, but alas, that stupid drink cart kept hitting me in the elbows and ankles. in short it sucked.
many more thngs happened after that, but i'm just getting started. more later.
love always
Like for example, the plane ride was so fucking traumatic that i had to wait a few days before i could even think about it again. what happened was, i left connecticut at noon for laguardia, and i didn't even arrive in sacramento until 1 am cali time (which is 4am CT time). So, yes, if you did the math, i spent sixteen hours traveling and it was HELL! The ride up to laguardia wasn't bad. we stopped for food and took our time. laguardia itself wasn't that bad either, although all they had in the bookstore was twilight so i had to read eclipse again, but even that was fine. the trouble started when i was actually all the way on the plane and we were taking off.
it's been five years since the last time i had flown prior to this, and i don't know if my body changed or if i just forgot, but holy mother of god, i hate flying. all the bizarre changes in pressure, the fact that the airplane seat is barely large enough to seat a five year old, plus my fear of heights as i watched new york city turn into this tiny speck of glitter, all of that together made me so sick that i literally had a panic attack in midair when i realized that i had to do it all over again once i got on my connecting flight.
and of course, the connecting flight was delayed, because, get this, someone on the plane before me had a medical emergency and they had to do an emergency landing at a hospital. i truly hope that whoever that was is feeling better and getting the best care they possibly can, but honestly, how often does that happen? my guess is only when i'm flying. so, the flight was delayed and the continental people were being total assholes about it, refusing to answer anyone's questions about when our flight was coming in, or what gate we were leaving from. i called everyone i know and cried about how i'd never leave the houston airport, and i'd be stuck there forever and then, we finally got on the plane and this jackass asked me to switch seats with his daughter so she sit closer to him and i felt bad, so i said yes and then i ended sitting next to a fat man in an aisle seat. at that point i gave up and ate one of the klonopin that my mom gave me and attempted to sleep through it, but alas, that stupid drink cart kept hitting me in the elbows and ankles. in short it sucked.
many more thngs happened after that, but i'm just getting started. more later.
love always
Sunday, December 21, 2008
celebrity sightings in assfuck, CT
(just so you know, i've been dying to post this entry for a week now)
okay, so, last weekend my besty, heater shows up at my house with this crazed look in her eyes
"we must go out and drink alcohol now please!"
this is a fairly common occurence druing the winter months in CT. you go stir crazy. it's too cold to leave the house so you stay inside for a few weeks and then all of a sudden something snaps in you and you stop giving a shit how cold it is, because you just have to get out there in the world and do something, which in CT during the winter, means drinking alcohol, because there's nothing else to do. i'm not even kidding you. it's like a bad horror movie.
so of course i agree to go out with heater, partly cause i love the bitch, and partly cause i can tell i'm on the verge of cabin fever myself. so we decide to do the unthinkable, something neither of us has done in years, something so desperately dangerous that to do so under normal circumstances would be foolish. we go to a keg party. in northford.
don't ask me where the fuck northford is. don't ask heater either, even though she drove us there. as far as i could tell we just ended up in front of this dude's house with heater's surrogate cousin nicky bristol.
the guy whose party this is, he's old. also, he's rich and so full of shit and coke that it's literally painful to listen to him speak. all he says is, "listen, listen, ok right, listen, this one time, listen, listen, ok, listen." and after about ten minutes of this we're like "WE'RE LISTENING! FUCKING SAY SOMETHING BESIDES 'LISTEN'!" so heater and i fake like we have to pee and run as far away from this guy as possible, which is when i lay eyes on him.
my dream boy.
i mean, literally, he is my dream boy because i dream about him every night.
and during the day, i daydream about him.
in short, he is the love of my life
EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!
yes, i know it's hard to believe that edward would be at a keg party, but i swear to you it was him. i could tell by his dreamy eyes and his bouffant hair-do. all i could think is i have to talk to him. so i fixed him with my infamous come-hither stare and of course, he came hither (they always do).
at first the conversation seemed to confirm my theory that he was in fact, edward cullen. he told me that he's a male nurse (edward would totally be a male nurse if he wasn't too busy stalking inncoent teenage girls) and that he played the piano. i was like omg! i must be dreaming! but then i asked him why he became a male nurse, and he said "well, i used to be a model. i mean, obviously right? look at me, i'm gorgeous. but then i decided that helping people is totally more important than being famous." and that's when i realized that he wasn't edward cullen. he was, in fact, a much bigger and better celebrity, the one and only derek zoolander. only he was disguised as edward cullen.
i know it, right? can you believe my luck?
as edlander is regalling me with semi-retarded, egotistical tales of his modeling days, heater jumps in and, being the lovably oberbearing bitch that she is, asks the question that's been on everyone's mind since edlander first proclaimed (rather loudly, i might add) that he was a male nurse.
"dude, are you gay?"
and at that point, my dream boy blurted out the most fantastical series of words i have ever heard spoken by antoher human.
"no, that would be a waste of my HUGE DICK" (yes, he really did say that)
over the course of the night he said many memorable things, such as
"what is up with you walking away from me to go to the bathroom. i've never hit on a girl and had her not be totally psyched about it. i have way too much pride to go chasing you around this party all night"
and also, when a drunkenly chivalrous nicky bristol decided to call him on the fact that he was being a self-absorbed waste of oxygen,
"why does this always happen to me. it must be because i'm so good looking"
at that point i took pity on the poor sould and gave him my phone number as like, a consolation prize for being the worlds biggest douchebag. also, because he sucks so bad it's funny, and i really wouldn't mind being seen in public with him. alas, he never called me. i'm crossing my fingers that i will run into him again, preferably when i'm drunk enough to not take him seriously, but until then i guess i'll just have to settle for getting hit on by normal boys.
love always
okay, so, last weekend my besty, heater shows up at my house with this crazed look in her eyes
"we must go out and drink alcohol now please!"
this is a fairly common occurence druing the winter months in CT. you go stir crazy. it's too cold to leave the house so you stay inside for a few weeks and then all of a sudden something snaps in you and you stop giving a shit how cold it is, because you just have to get out there in the world and do something, which in CT during the winter, means drinking alcohol, because there's nothing else to do. i'm not even kidding you. it's like a bad horror movie.
so of course i agree to go out with heater, partly cause i love the bitch, and partly cause i can tell i'm on the verge of cabin fever myself. so we decide to do the unthinkable, something neither of us has done in years, something so desperately dangerous that to do so under normal circumstances would be foolish. we go to a keg party. in northford.
don't ask me where the fuck northford is. don't ask heater either, even though she drove us there. as far as i could tell we just ended up in front of this dude's house with heater's surrogate cousin nicky bristol.
the guy whose party this is, he's old. also, he's rich and so full of shit and coke that it's literally painful to listen to him speak. all he says is, "listen, listen, ok right, listen, this one time, listen, listen, ok, listen." and after about ten minutes of this we're like "WE'RE LISTENING! FUCKING SAY SOMETHING BESIDES 'LISTEN'!" so heater and i fake like we have to pee and run as far away from this guy as possible, which is when i lay eyes on him.
my dream boy.
i mean, literally, he is my dream boy because i dream about him every night.
and during the day, i daydream about him.
in short, he is the love of my life
EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!
yes, i know it's hard to believe that edward would be at a keg party, but i swear to you it was him. i could tell by his dreamy eyes and his bouffant hair-do. all i could think is i have to talk to him. so i fixed him with my infamous come-hither stare and of course, he came hither (they always do).
at first the conversation seemed to confirm my theory that he was in fact, edward cullen. he told me that he's a male nurse (edward would totally be a male nurse if he wasn't too busy stalking inncoent teenage girls) and that he played the piano. i was like omg! i must be dreaming! but then i asked him why he became a male nurse, and he said "well, i used to be a model. i mean, obviously right? look at me, i'm gorgeous. but then i decided that helping people is totally more important than being famous." and that's when i realized that he wasn't edward cullen. he was, in fact, a much bigger and better celebrity, the one and only derek zoolander. only he was disguised as edward cullen.
i know it, right? can you believe my luck?
as edlander is regalling me with semi-retarded, egotistical tales of his modeling days, heater jumps in and, being the lovably oberbearing bitch that she is, asks the question that's been on everyone's mind since edlander first proclaimed (rather loudly, i might add) that he was a male nurse.
"dude, are you gay?"
and at that point, my dream boy blurted out the most fantastical series of words i have ever heard spoken by antoher human.
"no, that would be a waste of my HUGE DICK" (yes, he really did say that)
over the course of the night he said many memorable things, such as
"what is up with you walking away from me to go to the bathroom. i've never hit on a girl and had her not be totally psyched about it. i have way too much pride to go chasing you around this party all night"
and also, when a drunkenly chivalrous nicky bristol decided to call him on the fact that he was being a self-absorbed waste of oxygen,
"why does this always happen to me. it must be because i'm so good looking"
at that point i took pity on the poor sould and gave him my phone number as like, a consolation prize for being the worlds biggest douchebag. also, because he sucks so bad it's funny, and i really wouldn't mind being seen in public with him. alas, he never called me. i'm crossing my fingers that i will run into him again, preferably when i'm drunk enough to not take him seriously, but until then i guess i'll just have to settle for getting hit on by normal boys.
love always
Monday, December 15, 2008
why must YOU cry? i mean really, stop it....
i've been in kind of a rut lately. nothing too serious (although, i promise you, at times, it feels serious). just your typical quarter-life crisis, i-feel-like-i-sold-my-soul-because-i-work-in-a-semi-coprporate environment type shit. i've asked countless people about how i should go about fixing this, and everyone has answered in a typical fashion.
find a hobby.
the thing is, i have plenty of hobbies. i write. i collect vintage. i read with obsessive fervor, but these are all solitary things to do, and what i'm craving more than anything is a feeling of connectedness, of teamwork. so, i began scanning craigslist looking for a group creative endeavor. anyone who has ever read craigslist in connecticut knows that the majority of posts basically say "i'm looking for a teenage model to come to house so i can date-rape her" and for quite some time my search was fruitless.
then, i saw the ad for gold fangs (yeah, for real)
this guy had posted numerous times before searching for actors and actresses for a short film in my area. i had never payed attention for whatever reason, but the idea of gold fucking fangs was too much for me to ignore. to be honest, the fantasy going on in my head was somewhere between the never-ending story and interview with the vampire (because the twilight vamps don't have fangs).
so i sent out an e-mail, expecting to get a response from some dorky film student about the sci-fi fantasy flick he was creating. i figured that at the very least, i might be able to meet some hot nerdy boys whose virginty i could steal, but no, oh no, my life does not work that way.
instead i received an e-mail from reh dogg, who according to an article in our local newspaper, won some award for the worst you-tube video of the year. i can only imagine the fierce competition he was facing for that coveted title. after watching it though, i guarantee you, this man deserved it. (if you are in need of some serious lulz, go check it out, it's called "why must i cry)
then, reh dogg follows up with an e-mail inviting me to view some of his work, including the gold fangs movie which i was so damn psyched about. seriously people, words could not do it justice.
find a hobby.
the thing is, i have plenty of hobbies. i write. i collect vintage. i read with obsessive fervor, but these are all solitary things to do, and what i'm craving more than anything is a feeling of connectedness, of teamwork. so, i began scanning craigslist looking for a group creative endeavor. anyone who has ever read craigslist in connecticut knows that the majority of posts basically say "i'm looking for a teenage model to come to house so i can date-rape her" and for quite some time my search was fruitless.
then, i saw the ad for gold fangs (yeah, for real)
this guy had posted numerous times before searching for actors and actresses for a short film in my area. i had never payed attention for whatever reason, but the idea of gold fucking fangs was too much for me to ignore. to be honest, the fantasy going on in my head was somewhere between the never-ending story and interview with the vampire (because the twilight vamps don't have fangs).
so i sent out an e-mail, expecting to get a response from some dorky film student about the sci-fi fantasy flick he was creating. i figured that at the very least, i might be able to meet some hot nerdy boys whose virginty i could steal, but no, oh no, my life does not work that way.
instead i received an e-mail from reh dogg, who according to an article in our local newspaper, won some award for the worst you-tube video of the year. i can only imagine the fierce competition he was facing for that coveted title. after watching it though, i guarantee you, this man deserved it. (if you are in need of some serious lulz, go check it out, it's called "why must i cry)
then, reh dogg follows up with an e-mail inviting me to view some of his work, including the gold fangs movie which i was so damn psyched about. seriously people, words could not do it justice.
at a certain point i just had to accept that god is playing a cruel joke on me, but it's a good joke, and i have no choice but to keep laughing.
love always
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
check it out, i'm like a hotter version of roger ebert
Is it just me, or are the harry potter movies getting harder to watch lately because dan radcliffe is turning into such a dreamboat? i saw the preview for half-blood prince last night and all i could think was "damn, would it be kinda sick for a twenty-four year old chick to bang an eighteen year old boy?" The one other thing that stood out for me, aside from potter's extreme fuckability is the fact that the guy who plays slughorn is the same guy who played zidler in moulin rouge, which is exciting to me because it feels like two things i really love (harry potter + moulin rouge) got together and made a baby or something.
okay, speaking of moulin rouge, can anyone guess what movie i'm dying to see even more than half-blood prince? Yup, that would be australia, the other movie that's directed by baz luhrman and stars nicole kidman. all i have to say is, it's about time baz! i've been waiting for you to put out a new movie since i was sixteen! i'm not even exagerating.
also, i finally saw twilight and can someone please explain to me why robert pattinson sounds like a greaser throughout the whole movie. hello, edward, this is twilight not the outsiders. even better, someone please explain to me why i find this kind of charming...
love always
okay, speaking of moulin rouge, can anyone guess what movie i'm dying to see even more than half-blood prince? Yup, that would be australia, the other movie that's directed by baz luhrman and stars nicole kidman. all i have to say is, it's about time baz! i've been waiting for you to put out a new movie since i was sixteen! i'm not even exagerating.
also, i finally saw twilight and can someone please explain to me why robert pattinson sounds like a greaser throughout the whole movie. hello, edward, this is twilight not the outsiders. even better, someone please explain to me why i find this kind of charming...
love always
Monday, November 10, 2008
twilight is the new danielle steele
someone find me a vampire boyfriend, like, immediately. i'm attempting to read twilight and it's driving me fucking insane.
i cannot even wait for the movie to come out, especially because the boy who plays edward is an uber-hottie. i will probably have to bring a mini vibrator to the movie theater though, so i don't lose my mind for real.
or maybe i'll just bring a hot date instead....
love always
i cannot even wait for the movie to come out, especially because the boy who plays edward is an uber-hottie. i will probably have to bring a mini vibrator to the movie theater though, so i don't lose my mind for real.
or maybe i'll just bring a hot date instead....
love always
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