channeling cher

i remember distinctly, when the movie clueless came out. i was in fifth grade and it was the first time i became truly aware of the idea of personal style. up until then, i had experimented a bit with some ghetto-trashy fashion. even as a kid i was drawn to all the hoochie stuff. but it was alicia silverstone's cher who opened up my eyes to the fact that clothing can be just as artistic an outlet as painting, writing or dancing, and that you can use your image to tell the world all sorts of things about yourself.

from there i went wild, taking fashion risks, going through a goth phase, a glam phase, a slutty phase. i still phase in and out of different styles, tyring to find the one that works best for me, but i always look fondly back at that first phase, the one that started it all.

which is why i'm fixin to bring that shit back! i know that the nineties is experiencing a weird sort of resurgence in fashion lately anyways, so it's not like this is totally original of me, but still, somewhere deep inside, i've always been waiting for the day when i could rock my knee-hi's and plaid skirts with pride again.

now, all that's left to do is find an uber-hot, smarty-pants, paul rudd look-alike and my life will be complete.



love always

cheesy song AND a cheesy boy crush

um, so i'd kinda be down to fuck lil' wayne. you know, like, if i was given the chance or whatever. i mean, admitting to this does make me feel like a pedophile and all, but there's just something about him.....

like when i first heard that young money song, i was all enraged like who the fuck do you think you are trying to fuck every single girl in the world?! that's just gross!!! but then i heard that part where lil' wayne's all like anyway, i think you're bionic and i don't think you're beautiful, i think you're beyond it, and i just melted. i couldn't help it. dude is charming. he probably could fuck every girl in the world and i'd be in line right behind the rest of 'em.

love always

forget sarah marshall, i'd rather have mila kunis

i've been avoiding this movie for quite some time now. from what i could gather, it was just annother american pie knockoff (and i didn't even like the original!), filled with sexist, immature bathroom humor, and lots of naked chicks. needless to say, my prude, feminist ass does not do well with that sort of thing. sunday however, i was so emotionally wasted/hungover that when fluff put it on i didn't even bother to argue, assuming that i'd fall asleep before i caught anything that seriously offended me. thus, i was pleasantly surprised when i not only stayed awake for the entire time, but i also kind of enjoyed watching it.
don't get me wrong now, it was exactly everything i thought it would be. the first half of the movie is spent building a case for why the title character is such a ginormous, evil uber-slut for cheating on protagonist peter, and then "moving on too quickly" after they broke up. yet, in the second half, he cheats on his new girlfriend, rachel, and the movie closes with her forgiving him. can you say double fucking standard?
in addition to that, peter is a total d-bag. when sarah is basically like "dude, i broke up with you because you let yourself go and sat around the apartment eating fucking fruit loops all day, and being a huge waste of oxygen", i can totally relate to her. i would've broken up with his sorry ass too.
here's why the movie is even remotely enjoyable: mila kunis as rachel. to say that she was compelling would be a gross understatement. she was charming, feisty, sensual, witty, passionate, genuine, way too good for that jack ass peter and oh yeah, she was totally fucking hot.
now, i'm not the type to usually say that about females. i've had my fair share of lesbian experiences, and trust me when i say that they did not turn out so well. every once in a while though, there's that one random girl who just totally does it for me. mila kunis' character in this movie just so happens to fall into that category.
it's also worth mentioning the fact that i think russel brand did a fabulous job as well. i saw him host the mtv vmas last year and he was a total trainwreck. in this movie however, he plays up these subtle nuances in his character that make him come off as endearing, rather than obnoxious. for example, when he breaks up with his girlfriend, he seems ever so slightly bummed, whereas i think most actors would've played that part as though he didn't even give a shit. he added some depth to the role, which was nice.
so rather than actually getting invested in the story, i spent the duration of the movie fantasizing about a threesome with mila kunis and russell brand. kinky, yes, but it just goes to show that even in the shitiest of shitshows there is occasionally some tasty little morsel worth staying awake for......or lusting over.

love always

i always suspected he might be gay....

um, wtf, i'm really confused. i thought that twilight was supposed to be about sparkly, angsty abstinence. now that the dvd's about to come out, i feel like it's turning all sodom and gomorrah on me.
like the other day, steff and i went to hot topic to buy green hair extensions for st. patrick's day, and the guy at the checkout totally tried to hard-sell me on pre-ordering the dvd so i could get an invitation to the exclusive hot topic twilight release party. when i told him that i didn't want to be the oldest person there he got all defensive and said i'd be surprised how many people my age would be there. i still declined, politely i might add, but then his friend jumped in and said that i'd be missing out because there was gonna be a ventriloquist there with an edward puppet.
i've been having nightmares ever since.
then, i saw a preview of one of the deleted scenes on the dvd, and it's so awkwardly sexual that i felt like i was watching a porno. basically what happens is, bella's all like "hey edward, want a taste?", then she proceeds to finger-bang his mouth while he tries not to eat her fucking hand off. that shit isn't even right.
then, worst of all, i heard about how edward ( i mean robert pattinson) plays salvador dali in a gay porn.
wait, what? was dali even gay?
i'm alternately dying to see it and trembling in fear.
seriously though, does anyone else find it ironic that stephanie meyer's horny, mormon ass accidentally created such a sexual phenomenon?

love always

okay, so i lied

i really honestly thought i wouldn't be devastated if quest crew won the season. who the fuck was i kidding? of course it was devastating! america hates females and that's all it really comes down to.
yes, quest did a few really cool tricks, and during britney week, they almost had me. im glad that the crew who won was actually capable of dancing. but in all honesty, beatfreaks deserved that title.
(it did not help that fluff teased me mercilessly about the fact that they lost. he got me feeling really sulky and resentful.)
the best part though, by far was when j.c. (swoon) called quest "america's best hair crew". that shit had me dying.
next season, i am forming an all-girl crew, and we better win that shit!

love always

oh the weather outside is frightful

which means that it's time for me to face the awful truth about what happened on abdc this week. i will do my best to keep my cool while relaying this sad series of events.
first of all, i could tell it was gonna be a shitshow when they started off with an opening number. the opening number on abdc signifies the start of many bad decisions. among them, the decision to eliminate fish 'n' chicks in the first season, which takes the cake for my most devastating abdc moment ever. in traditional opening number fashion, the choreography was beyond cheesy. it literally hurt my eyes to watch.
after the opening number came a really sweet performance by quest crew, during which i came to an important realization about why i like this crew so much. have you ever seen the movie hook? if you haven't, please watch it immediately. if you have, you'll feel me on this. quest crew is the new incarnation of the lost boys. d-trix even has the same hairdo as rufio.

after quest crew, beatfreaks went off!!!! again. seriously ladies, spice it up a bit. at this rate, you're gonna win the show- no contest. now, where's the fun in that?

here's where the trouble starts.
strikers all-stars and fly khicks are in the bottom two. i was cool with fly khicks when they beat the ringmasters but since then, they've been in the bottom three motherfucking times! doesn't that tell you something?

strikers had it tough. they were given a shitty song (pose by daddy yankee), and then asked to emulate the video, which is miles away from the type of dance they normally do. so to begin with, the boys are out of their element. then, in the middle of the routine my boyfriend mike (you know, the one who ditched obama for mtv) fucks up and does this ridiculous spinny airplane move because he can't find his place. the judges give him hell for it. then, right before they cut to break, they show him backstage pacing around, totally freaked that he just screwed the whole thing up for his crew.
you can already tell this is going to end badly.
at this point, i'm praying for strikers. hoping that fly khicks at least get a shitty song too, you know, to level the playing field. of course they don't.
they get pon de replay by rihanna, and then they show them backstage talking about how they have to wind like rihanna. winding? really? i came out of the womb knowing how to wind, and that's their challenge?
so, the girls come out and wind flawlessly, as if that's actually a difficult thing to do. during the judges commentary shane is like "yo, you dance like my sister buffy." my point exactly shane.

then there's this whole thing about how fly khicks is getting back to their roots by wearing baggy jeans. alright, listen bitches, the only thing i have ever seen you wear is booty shorts and bras. even with your baggy jeans you're wearing bras. could you please try to be beatfreaks just a little harder. maybe while you're at it you could take some dance lessons.

i think you already know what happens next.
when they announce that the judges chose to keep fly khicks instead of strikers, the girl stading in the front for fly khicks is like "what?!". even they were dumbfounded that they got to stay.
meanwhile, poor baby mike from strikers is biting his lip trying so hard not to cry on national tv. seriously though mike, i just want you to know, everyone messes up, and you are still a truly fine specimen of a man. if you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.
actually, i was getting a bit teary myself. the idea that i have to look at fly khicks again for another week is truly devastating to me. i swear to god if they make it into the top two, i'm breaking up with abdc.
then again, i think i say that every season.

love always

this is what us single folk do on valentine's

yet again, i am uber-late with the abdc update. can you tell that this new-england winter shit is really getting to me? it's like my cells are actually freezing, so that they're susupended, or moving in slow-motion or something. therefore, it is quite easy for me to lay around watching crappy tv, but formulating an actual opinion on it and then articulating that opinion is another thing entirely.

nevertheless, i will attempt it.

beatfreaks, i love you gals so much! especially adorable marys, who dedicated her performance to her late brother, who so sadly passed away before he even turned 18. after the performance, they showed her backstage telling her crew "i love you guys so much. you're my family." in her sweet accent. now, i really want her to be my new best friend.

also, this week i like beatfreaks better than quest crew again, because quest crew's performance was kinda whack.
strikers all-stars also gave kind of a weak performance, but they totally made up for it by being SEXY AS FUCK.
fly khicks and dynamic addition had to battle it out at the end, and y'all know how i feel about both these crews, but lo and behold, the cloggers actually learned how to dance! i've never seen clay aiken look so gangsta!
of course, as soon as i decide to like them they go and get eliminated. all because fly khicks know how to do splits in their booty shorts.
typical, abdc, so fucking typical.

love always

lifestyles of the young and reckless

i had such a fabulous weekend this past weekend, that i kept waking up in the middle of the night on sunday, just to mourn the fact that it was over.

as i mentioned before, my weekend started with an extensive sherry tasting on friday, accompanied by assorted spanish treats, such as marcona almonds, serrano ham, and the most amazing garlicky olives ever. the tasting was led by a seriously charming spaniard, who simultaneously had a british and spanish accent. technically, this event was a "sales meeting", but halfway through it, i was feeling so light and fuzzy that i drunk-texted everyone i was mad at, and made up with them right then and there.



post sherry extravaganza, i napped, bubble-bathed and pretty much luxuriated in every way possible, so i woke feeling happy and refreshed on saturday morning. i hit the gym to burn off some of those extra pork-fat calories, and then treated myself (along with heater and her adorable daughter) to a delicious lunch of fresh spring rolls, coconut soup, and spicy-steak salad. afterwards, heather suggested that we go shopping at marshalls, where i picked up three pairs of the cutest sunglasses i've ever seen, including these bad boys:















i also got a pair of professional looking, black kors pants, a sheer white tee, a pink, halter-top bubble dress, sexy boyfriend jeans, and tweed pants from the limited in their cassidy fit, which is my fav. as we were ringing up our purchases, i realized i was late for my hair appointment, so i hightailed it to the angry chair , where i got the best haircut/dye job ever, courtesy of dan, who's a real cutie. check it:





when i arrived home from the salon a million hours later, there was a dinner party in full swing at my humble abode. i spent the evening eating delicious food and having some very entertaining conversation with just a few of my most favorite people.



i woke up early on sunday and just barely managed to make it to the gym again, before i had to help sarah shop for her super-bowl party. we then went back to her house and proceeded to make quacamole, buffalo wings with bleu cheese dip, some really tasty snack mix, artichoke dip and ceasar-deviled eggs. steff and vinnie arrived around 4 with yet another dip, one of my favorites, cream cheese, chilli and melted cheddar. we started pouring pink punch and before i knew it, i was once again in a food/booze induced stupor. unfortunately, all the fabulocity became a bit overwhelming and i had to call it an early night before the super-bowl even ended (not that i was paying attention to it anyway).



i then fell into a fitful sleep and dreamed of being on a permanent vacation....

my reason for existing

i've just woken up from a very refreshing nap, after a sales meeting during which i completely saturated myself with sherry and jamon serrano. aaah, the good life...
there are however, very important matters to discuss. the time has come for yet another season of my most favoritest show america's best dance crew. we're about three episodes in, so basically, it's just starting to get good. for those of you who don't live under a rock, the show is on mtv, at 10pm eastern time.
now, let's talk about the crews.
beatfreaks- these badass chicks are currently my personal pick to win the season. they're sick, just sick, no other way to describe it. their movements are complicated, precise, clean and together, oh, and did i mention not slutty? as this is an as-of-yet unheard of concept on abdc i'm pretty psyched.

strikers all stars- another crew that actually knows how to dance! i think we may be apparoaching a new record here mtv! also, these boys are smokin', especially the one who got an invitation to perform at obama's inauguration, but ditched it to be on abdc instead. he so clearly has his priorities straight! i sure would love his phone number......

dynamic addition- oh my word, these people are cloggers. as in they wear clogs and bang around on the floor making lots of noise and looking like tools. they are also white as shit. i mean like, lily white, see-through white, twilight white, i don't know what else to call it. the group consists of four burly females, led by a very small man, who is clearly clay aiken's little brother. wouldn't you know, the audience loves them. i feel bad for them, but it's all just a bit too lord of the dance for me.

quest crew- cute asian boys. watching them reminds me of working at forbidden city. they're all so cute and asian i just want to pick them up and squeeze them until they turn blue.

fly khicks- ugh, another girl cheerleading crew. gag me with a motherfucking spoon. they're actually not anywhere near as bad as fembot five or any of the other cheer crews we've seen in the past, but still, give it a rest ladies, it's fucking exhausted.

team millenia- team millenia kinda reminds of fanny pak, only boooring. wicked cute girls, semi-gay boys. they dance well together, they just don't really stand out.

ringmasters- seriously, these boys should put an nc-17 rating on their performances, because they are hands-down the most disturbing thing i've seen in a good, long time. they don't even dance. they just sort of skulk around the stage looking like deranged convicts, showing the audience their weird double-jointedness. it reminds of being in school and having some dude come up and be like "hey wanna see something cool?" and then proceeding to perform some disgusting act like dislocating his shoulder or something. i'm totally waiting for one of them to shoot milk out of their eyeball across the cafeteria.

there were some other crews, but they've obviously been eliminated, and no one cares about them anyway.
last night's episode was, yup, you guessed it, a total crap carnival. (it was also britney spears night, yay!)
beat freaks and strikers all-stars went first, and i have to say, these two crews are so good it's almost boring. there's no element of surprise to their performance. you know they're gonna come out strong, you know they're gonna make everyone else look like a joke. there's no suspense. all good marks from the judges, of course.
the only exciting moment was when the girls in beat freaks flipped out because MTV tried to force them to be sluts and wear creepy clothes like britney. i must say, they handled it nicely. moderate coverage bustiers with menswear pants. sexy and classy.
then came dynamic addition. these poor souls had to dance on chairs for their physical challenge, and clay aiken's brother was all worried that they'd fall off. pussies! so they brought the chairs out and jumped up on them for literally two seconds and then proceeding to clog happilly around the stage to stronger. the girls were all wearing matching pink jackets and long blond wigs, and clay jumped off a chair.
during the judge's comments, shane let on that he was obviously shitfaced by proclaiming "i couldn't stop thinking about the movie white chicks." damn shane, that's cold. true, but cold.
next came quest crew in what was arguably the best routine of the night. their physical challenge was to dance blindfolded, and not only did they dance well, but one guy did a dive role through another guy's legs, blinfolded! i mean, seriously dude, that could've went wrong in so many ways. once the blinfolds came off they got totally femmey and somehow executed a dance that was complete and utter britney spears perfection. maybe they secretly have vaginas....
after quest crew, fly khicks came out and got girljuice all over the stage. let me state for the record, that i do not have a problem with these girls because they are sexy. i have a problem with them because they are sexy in a way that is contrived and embarassing.
and then, the moment of reckoning. it was team millenia against ringmasters in the bottom two. team millenia's routine was perfectly respectable. ringmasters on the other hand... i had to stop myself from getting up and punching a hole through the tv. they danced to circus of course, which was pretty fitting, except for the fact that their dance had no relevance whatsoever to britney spears, or to dancing in general for that matter. plus, their bone-crushing or whatever they call it, is just gross.
of course, lil' mama likes them because they're from brooklyn. so in typical abdc fashion, team millenia was eliminated in favor of a group of gimmicky freaks. i should've know that would happen, but for some reason i get my hopes up every single time. i'm already hoping that they'll get eliminated next week, but when the time comes we shall see.....

love always

celebrity sightings in assfuck, CT

(just so you know, i've been dying to post this entry for a week now)

okay, so, last weekend my besty, heater shows up at my house with this crazed look in her eyes

"we must go out and drink alcohol now please!"

this is a fairly common occurence druing the winter months in CT. you go stir crazy. it's too cold to leave the house so you stay inside for a few weeks and then all of a sudden something snaps in you and you stop giving a shit how cold it is, because you just have to get out there in the world and do something, which in CT during the winter, means drinking alcohol, because there's nothing else to do. i'm not even kidding you. it's like a bad horror movie.

so of course i agree to go out with heater, partly cause i love the bitch, and partly cause i can tell i'm on the verge of cabin fever myself. so we decide to do the unthinkable, something neither of us has done in years, something so desperately dangerous that to do so under normal circumstances would be foolish. we go to a keg party. in northford.

don't ask me where the fuck northford is. don't ask heater either, even though she drove us there. as far as i could tell we just ended up in front of this dude's house with heater's surrogate cousin nicky bristol.

the guy whose party this is, he's old. also, he's rich and so full of shit and coke that it's literally painful to listen to him speak. all he says is, "listen, listen, ok right, listen, this one time, listen, listen, ok, listen." and after about ten minutes of this we're like "WE'RE LISTENING! FUCKING SAY SOMETHING BESIDES 'LISTEN'!" so heater and i fake like we have to pee and run as far away from this guy as possible, which is when i lay eyes on him.

my dream boy.

i mean, literally, he is my dream boy because i dream about him every night.

and during the day, i daydream about him.

in short, he is the love of my life

EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!

yes, i know it's hard to believe that edward would be at a keg party, but i swear to you it was him. i could tell by his dreamy eyes and his bouffant hair-do. all i could think is i have to talk to him. so i fixed him with my infamous come-hither stare and of course, he came hither (they always do).

at first the conversation seemed to confirm my theory that he was in fact, edward cullen. he told me that he's a male nurse (edward would totally be a male nurse if he wasn't too busy stalking inncoent teenage girls) and that he played the piano. i was like omg! i must be dreaming! but then i asked him why he became a male nurse, and he said "well, i used to be a model. i mean, obviously right? look at me, i'm gorgeous. but then i decided that helping people is totally more important than being famous." and that's when i realized that he wasn't edward cullen. he was, in fact, a much bigger and better celebrity, the one and only derek zoolander. only he was disguised as edward cullen.



i know it, right? can you believe my luck?
as edlander is regalling me with semi-retarded, egotistical tales of his modeling days, heater jumps in and, being the lovably oberbearing bitch that she is, asks the question that's been on everyone's mind since edlander first proclaimed (rather loudly, i might add) that he was a male nurse.
"dude, are you gay?"
and at that point, my dream boy blurted out the most fantastical series of words i have ever heard spoken by antoher human.
"no, that would be a waste of my HUGE DICK" (yes, he really did say that)
over the course of the night he said many memorable things, such as
"what is up with you walking away from me to go to the bathroom. i've never hit on a girl and had her not be totally psyched about it. i have way too much pride to go chasing you around this party all night"
and also, when a drunkenly chivalrous nicky bristol decided to call him on the fact that he was being a self-absorbed waste of oxygen,
"why does this always happen to me. it must be because i'm so good looking"
at that point i took pity on the poor sould and gave him my phone number as like, a consolation prize for being the worlds biggest douchebag. also, because he sucks so bad it's funny, and i really wouldn't mind being seen in public with him. alas, he never called me. i'm crossing my fingers that i will run into him again, preferably when i'm drunk enough to not take him seriously, but until then i guess i'll just have to settle for getting hit on by normal boys.

love always

check it out, i'm like a hotter version of roger ebert

Is it just me, or are the harry potter movies getting harder to watch lately because dan radcliffe is turning into such a dreamboat? i saw the preview for half-blood prince last night and all i could think was "damn, would it be kinda sick for a twenty-four year old chick to bang an eighteen year old boy?" The one other thing that stood out for me, aside from potter's extreme fuckability is the fact that the guy who plays slughorn is the same guy who played zidler in moulin rouge, which is exciting to me because it feels like two things i really love (harry potter + moulin rouge) got together and made a baby or something.

okay, speaking of moulin rouge, can anyone guess what movie i'm dying to see even more than half-blood prince? Yup, that would be australia, the other movie that's directed by baz luhrman and stars nicole kidman. all i have to say is, it's about time baz! i've been waiting for you to put out a new movie since i was sixteen! i'm not even exagerating.

also, i finally saw twilight and can someone please explain to me why robert pattinson sounds like a greaser throughout the whole movie. hello, edward, this is twilight not the outsiders. even better, someone please explain to me why i find this kind of charming...

love always

aww, poor baby kanye needs a hug

dear mr. west,
have you been reading my diary to find out that my entire life's purpose is to watch cocky, arrogant motherfuckers (such as yourself) get their hearts broken and turn into whiny, little bitches, because seriously, your new album just gave me a hard on.
i should have known that you were headed to emoville as soon as you remixed fallout boy, but i never would have imagined you'd be so damn good at it.
i kind of secretly hope that since so many boys seem to idolize you so much maybe they'll follow your example and actually let themselves feel some feelings for once.
congratulations on finally putting out an album that you actually deserve to be so fucking pleased with yourself over, and by the way, if you need some assistance (wink, wink) getting over all the nasty things that bad woman did to you, feel free to hit me up.

love always

twilight is the new danielle steele

someone find me a vampire boyfriend, like, immediately. i'm attempting to read twilight and it's driving me fucking insane.
i cannot even wait for the movie to come out, especially because the boy who plays edward is an uber-hottie. i will probably have to bring a mini vibrator to the movie theater though, so i don't lose my mind for real.
or maybe i'll just bring a hot date instead....

love always

my oval office fantasy come true

remember when monica lewinsky sucked bill clinton's dick?
i do, because it was right around that time that my sassy grandma traumatized me for life by stating, at the dinner table "i don't blame her! i would've done the same damn thing! that bill clinton is handsome!" Thanks grandma, for the mental picture.
however awkward that moment may have been, i'm very grateful that i can finally relate to my grandmother's sick desire to bang our president. obama is a fucking fox.

okay, okay, all kidding aside, i must say that i'm truly thrilled about obama's victory last night. not only because he is an uber-hottie, but also because i'm proud of my country for coming together to make this happen. the amount of enthusiasm over this election has been incredibly moving and nothing short of inspiring.

i hope that in the coming months we do not all lose site of the fact that we, the people of the united states of america, have made this happen, and that if we wish to continue creating change we must remain focused, informed and active.

congratulations obama, and congratulations america!

love always