peace out 2009, it's been real

It's hard to believe this past year has actually come to an end. I remember this time one year ago, thinking on my future and wondering where I might be in a year. It was a strange time in my life. I had just come out of a long, hard relationship, suffered a scathing rejection from the first boy I had dated in 4 years, dragged my mother out of the depths of a dark depression and into a brand new condo, which I was living in with her at the time, oh, and I was working a job that I absolutely hated but wasn't quite ready to admit that to myself yet.

In the midst of all this bleakness, I found a ray of hope to latch onto. My horoscopes for the year, every single one, were unanimously predicting that 2009 would be the year that I would find true love. I know what you're thinking "don't all horoscopes say that all the time?" or "why would you put that much faith in astrology?" There are a few different explanations. One is that I am hopelessly obsessed with my horoscope, as you may or not know from past posts. But the other is far more personal, and I'd imagine, easier to relate to as well. I believed that this was true because I wanted it to be true.

I wanted to fall in love with a vengeance unlike any other I had ever experienced. My life was in shambles. There was no easy solution. The best circumstances I could imagine at the time involved a charming man on a white horse (or similarly symbolic mode of transportation) swooping in to pull me out of the dark depths to which my life had sank and into a safe, happy bubble of blissful romance.

But in 2009 I did not fall in love. I went on a few dates (but, to my surprise, promptly pulled away as soon as things started to get even a bit emotional). I spent an inordinate amount of time with my ex, who despite his multitude of wonderful qualities, is decidedly not the one for me. But nowhere, at no point, in no way did I, in 2009, fall in love.

Now to some, this may seem a bit depressing. It may reek of loneliness and desperation and cold nights spent at home with no one but my cat to keep me company. But the fact that I did not fall in love this year is, in retrospect, the best thing that's ever happened to me (and I swear I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better).

In January of 2009, I hopped on a plane, for the first time in five years, to visit my dad in California, at the time, a further distance than I had ever traveled. And this seemingly small, inconsequential action set off a chain reaction that consumed and ignited and took charge of my life for the entire rest of the year. This week-long vacation set in motion a chain of events which pulled and compelled me towards bigger and greater and more outrageous outcomes than I had previously ever dreamed myself capable of.

Shortly after this trip, I was asked to leave the job that I would not allow myself to admit that I hated. I then, spent the money from my settlement check on a vacation to puerto rico, supplementing my income with a job that was neither serious, nor enduring. I left that job just in time to take advantage of a new opportunity, which ultimately led me on a cross-country adventure to a new home in a new place that one year ago today, I had never even visited.

In the past year, I have more than made up for the five years in which I did not fly. I've been back and forth and all around this country so many times it makes me dizzy to think about it. I've seen things in person that I had previously only imagined. I've seen things in myself that I had previously only imagined; a newfound sense of independence, bravery, determination. I've created a home for myself in a brand new place, complete with friends and pets and a job, rather than letting my home and my friends and my job create me. And I like myself a million times better because of it.
No, this year was not ecstatic every single second. It was no easy ride down the side of a rainbow. It was hard. It was fucking terrifying. It was heartbreaking. But in the end, it was so worth it I cannot even explain.
So, I'm happy to report, now that it's all said and done, 2009 was NOT the year that I found true love. Instead, I found something better. I found myself. And as for my love life...there's always 2010.

love always

sometimes you just know

ahh, what a crazy, mixed-up world we live in. nothing is ever as it seems, at least for any fixed length of time. things change and evolve, shifting shape right before your very eyes just when you think you've got it all figured out. sometimes a situation can seem so certain, so right, so meant to be and then wham! out of nowhere mercury retrograde comes sweeping through in all it's stubborn reluctance to let go of the past and you're left standing in the ruins of what you thought was a really fucking good idea.
such is the nature of things, and also, exactly what happened to me this past week. i waited so long and i was so cautious, taking care not to jinx any opportunities or count my eggs before they hatched, but still it all went up in flames and now i'm left confused and uncertain, trying to make sense of a situation that's been blown completely out of my control. what can you do in times like these but sit and wait? try and be still and listen to your heart.
when i flew to san francisco a few weeks ago, i believed i was going to there to make an impression, to influence a decision. instead, what i discovered while i was there is that the decision does not truly matter. while it may be difficult to discern underneath the fear and uncertainty about what my future holds, there is one thing my heart knows for sure; i absolutely adore the entire bay area.

every time i leave, i tell myself that i imagined it. that no place in the world is truly as magical as i remember that place being, that i'm embellishing the memory. but no, at this point i truly don't think i am. this past visit, while cruising around berkeley and trying to get a feel for my new home, i stumbled, literally stumbled, onto this amazing treasure trove: a farmer's market, the likes of which i have never even imagined here in CT. trust me when i tell you, it makes my beloved whole foods look like a joke.
tomatoes, like jewels in every shape, size and color imaginable

squash that look like spaceships and a completely new discovery, the lemon cucumber!

a rainbow of peppers that you could literally smell like, a block away.

after the farmer's market, in need of refreshment, we stopped at the nearest coffee shop/bakery. forgive me, i can't remember the name, but it was really the most adorable thing.

we ordered iced coffee and a pistachio macaroon!!!!


the macaroon was perfect! floaty and sugary on the outside with a layer of creamy goodness in the middle.

yup! it was the macaroon that made my mind up for me. this is the place i wanna live.

love always

bring on the karma baby!

on the 21st of this month, there's supposed to be a huge solar eclipse. the longest of the 21st century! unfortunately, all us middletown folk will not be able to see it. it will be visible only to people living in china or the pacific ocean, who i am now insanely jealous of.
according to penny thornton whose horoscopes i follow obsessively on astrolutely , "eclipsed new moons bring new beginnings, which is an entirely positive process, however, the way those new beginnings come in could be disturbing. if you go along with the notion of karma- the spiritual law of cause and effect- you might like to think of eclipses as karmic points- periods in which the harvest of past actions is reaped, and the seeds of of future events are sown."
normally this sort of proclamation would send me into a panic, obsessing over every little thing i've done wrong and wondering in what awful ways god would choose to smite me, but for some reason, i'm cool with it. when i look back at my past actions, i feel pretty happy. i'm no angel, but especially recently, i think i've run my life with a fair bit of integrity, grace and compassion. i may have had my ups and downs, but i've worked really hard to not betray myself and that, i think is what makes for the best karma.

love always